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Sunday December 5th

Bieber quite Frank about his narcissism

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There are a number of things I enjoy. I love a good pecan, I cannot get enough of Julia Child, and I am in love with downward spirals, namely, Justin Bieber’s. Recently, the twit decided to immerse himself in some history. Instead of turning on the History Channel to watch a special on Ancient Aliens like he should have done, he visited the Anne Frank House in Amsterdam. As per experience, guests can write in a book about their experience visiting the somber memorial. Justin, being the gracious angel that he is, wrote the following: “Truly inspiring to be able to come here. Anne was a great girl. Hopefully she would have been a belieber.” Yes, Justin. If Anne Frank had survived the Nazi genocide, she would have DEDICATED EVERY WAKING MOMENT TO JUSTIN FANDOM and not advocating for peace and equality. No. It would have been all about Justin Bieber pillowcases, scratch and sniff Justin Bieber stickers and, of course, Justin Bieber beach towels. Your monkey you left in Germany is glad he was confiscated so he can get away from your offensive presence. But don’t worry, I’m sure everyone in history would have been a Belieber. If President Lincoln had survived John Wilkes Booth’s bullet to his head, he would have been a Belieber. He would have clothed himself in immense Bieber memorabilia. If Princess Diane hadn’t died in that French tunnel, she would have been a Belieber. And let’s not get started on John Lennon. In death, all we can hope for is that we go to Heaven where we are surrounded by our Lord and Canadian, Justin Bieber. I belieb.

And just when you thought the Twitter war between One Direction and The Wanted was bad, wait until you hear about this. Ciara (most famous for her single, “One, Two Step,” and being employee of the month at Ruby Tuesday), is taking digs at Rihanna online. The singer tweeted, “I think she’s nuts right now…” referring to Rihanna. Excuse me, who is letting you tweet on the dining room floor? Run those chicken tenders to table nine instead of throwing shade to Rihanna. Yeah, Rihanna may not seem like the most mentally stable person around. But when RiRi tweets things like, “FUCK U SATAN!!! FUCK RIGHT OFF!!!!!” I think she’s just trying to look out for us. And honestly, I’d rather see a Lucifer v. Rihanna feud on Twitter anyway.

While we’re on the topic of Twitter, I’d like to direct you all to the queen of it, Cher. Now this may be very late news for some of you. But for those who are not aware, Cher rules Twitter with an iron fist. And probably uses said iron fist to tweet because a lot does not make sense. Let me give you some winning excerpts: “Oh!! I’m so tempted to Riff on this Cher’s Dead thing,Cause it makes me Howl! Bye! Going 2 pick out Blk.Leather motorcycle Shroud.” Cher does not like it when her death is falsely reported, especially when it interferes in her motorcycle shrouding. Or, how about this jem? “I think you’re like flowers,snowflakes & clouds ! All different !” Of course, that tweet refers to “Cher’s Kindergarten Encouragements,” which she’s releasing in color book format this summer. Don’t you see yet? Cher is all you ever need. And to end this column in the perfect way, let me quote that fierce bitch one more time: “BYE !!!”

Jessica Simpson Baby Watch!!!: Jessica Simpson’s baby is a Belieber.


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