The Signal

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Wednesday December 1st

Sass is not Wanted

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EVERYONE. Are you still alive? Am I talking to a survivor of the devastating Twitter war between Louis Tomlinson of One Direction and Thomas Parker of The Wanted? I thought I was the only one left. But you’re here. And reading this. Before we repopulate the planet, let us take a look back at what got us to this point.

Thomas Parker was the one who attacked first, launching a preemptive strike at Louis, tweeting, “You even talk about us at your own gigs. Are you that upset you didn’t get into this band?” To which Louis, the sassy motherfucker that he is, responded, “Pal, we both know I wouldn’t waste time auditioning for your band. You humour me with your bad boy persona.” Then Liam Payne of One Direction joined in and that’s when I blacked out and woke up writing this. First off, who does Thomas Parker think he is?!?! The Wanted fighting with One Direction is like Milli Vanilli picking a fight with The Backstreet Boys. Sit your ass down Thomas and behave!

Now that we’ve all been put in our places, let’s discuss how some members of Congress are trying to investigate Beyoncé and Jay-Z’s trip to Cuba. The heavenly pair went to the communist nation to celebrate their fifth wedding anniversary. Forget your Silver 25th, this reads Red fifth all over. The United States has placed a tourism embargo on the island nation for the past 50 years, meaning only people with special permission can take a waltz in Havana. But being Beyoncé, she makes her own damn rules. Who answers to Congress anymore? It’s all about the Beyhive. Nevertheless, an “investigation” is apparently underway and both Beyoncé and Jay-Z have yet to comment. Listen y’all, you’re all a bunch of bay of pigs if you think you’re gonna take down Beyoncé, you hear?

Finally, Lindsay Lohan appeared on David Letterman last week to promote her latest film noir, “Scary Movie 5.” A classic piece of work, I’m sure. Lindsay. though, got visibly uncomfortable when David asked her questions relating to her recent rehab sentencing. Listen Lilo, why did you possibly think you were going to promote a movie? The biggest thing you’ve been in this year is a clinic. Let’s focus on what’s really going on. Lindsay of course reiterated that she “loves working.” Bitch if you love working so much why don’t you do it, it misses you. Of course Lindsay cried (and probably saved her tears since they’re laced with Adderall) and made a big dramatic showing. But until you prove it to us that you’re back by being in a decent film, I don’t want to see your croc tears.

Jessica Simpson Baby Watch!: Jessica Simpson has now developed her own gravitational pull.


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