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(09/02/14 7:44pm)
By Johnanthony Alaimo
Columnist
In news that would not even shock your deceased great-great grandmother, reality TV has hit a new low. WE TV has picked up a new show to be dubbed “Sex Box.” Just in case you can’t fathom what this show can possibly be about, I will sum it up briefly for you: People have sex in a box and then talk about it. I don’t know about you, but I think out of the box was fine just the way it was. WE TV president Marc Juis had this to say about the new program: “Sex Box” is one of the most unique and compelling show concepts we’ve ever seen, and we can’t wait to bring it to WE TV …” While this show may be “unique,” it is the latest in the trend of network series obsessed with nudity and odd locations. “Naked and Afraid” and “Dating Naked” are at the forefront of our insatiable quest to see as many pixilated crotches as possible before mom serves dinner. I’m looking forward to the inevitable expansion of the genre, with such potential ideas like “Nude and Frying Bacon” and “Naked at TSA Screening Checkpoint” being surefire winners.
Pop culture is becoming increasingly nonsensical with a new revelation: The beloved cartoon character Hello Kitty has been revealed by her creator Sanrio to not be a cat. You may be wondering, “Well, last time I checked the thing had whiskers and a skull shaped like a cat.” But hey, apparently, you’re an idiot. Sanrio stated, “She is a little girl. She is a friend. But she is not a cat. She’s never depicted on all fours. She walks and sits like a two-legged creature.” If bipedal movement is the sole criterion for being considered an animal or a human, consider me to be on all fours from now on. Because being a dog is a lot easier than being a graduating college student who will probably end up eating dog food anyway.
But why did I even waste all this precious space talking about trivial bullshit when Beyoncé killed it at the VMAs last week. Katy Perry could find the cure for cancer in a can of whipped cream she’s spraying in her mouth and it would not matter. The game is over. She has risen from a member of a girl group into a figure that probably has more influence than other power figures like the President or Kermit the Frog. If Beyoncé came up to you and said “I’mma kill you,” you’d be like, “YES murder me in any degree you want!!!” Many would say her stature is too overhyped. I will direct you to the 16 minute performance at the VMAs which will change your life. Maybe you’ll find God. Maybe you’ll find yourself. But you will definitely, absolutely, find $1 billion in the elevator.
(08/26/14 5:19pm)
By Johnanthony Alaimo
Columnist
New year, same me, which means I have nothing better to do than summarize what Nicki Minaj rubbed on her ass. The answer is oil, and the scene is her latest music video or latest single/human anatomy lesson. Minaj’s video for “Anaconda” is basically a Nat Geo too-graphic documentary. The opening features Minaj in a jungle hut setting with other big booty bitches jiggling their fanny flans. Minaj herself seems to be barely lip-syncing to her own song, probably because the vibrations of her ass have disorientated her. Fast forward five minutes of this happening in a continuous loop and suddenly Minaj is crawling toward Drake, who is sitting on a chair in a dark room. If this is how Texas is performing their executions nowadays, consider me both appalled and turned on.
In news that actually affects human beings, people everywhere are turning out in droves to support amyotrophic lateral sclerosis (ALS) research by dumping buckets of ice water on their heads. Even celebrities like Britney Spears are doing it. Honestly, watching her get doused in freezing water was the most I’ve seen her move in years. While the entire fad is for a good cause, I fear people are doing it just for the sheer “popularity” factor of it. Please remember that if you are nominated for this challenge, you still need to donate some sort of monetary contribution. Dumping a bucket of ice water on your head does not cure ALS. Just the same way dumping a bucket of milk on someone who is lactose intolerant does not make them tolerant.
Finally, if you’re still a fan of American Horror Story after having a serious ice bucket accident, then I’ve got news for you. The world’s smallest woman has joined the cast of the TV anthology, this time being set in a 1950s era freak show. Such a move proves the show has lost any desire to be decent television and is simply going after the shock factor. Honestly, I’m still waiting on “American Horror Story: Anaconda.”
(04/29/14 10:59pm)
Damn girl, you stink. Cameron Diaz has revealed that she has not worn deodorant in 20 years. She said she “doesn’t believe in it.” Are you fucking kidding me? Deodorant is real. It’s not goddamn Bigfoot. It’s in Aisle 2 of CVS. What’s wrong with you? Diaz went on to say it’s “bad” for you and that people smell because antiperspirants keep odor locked in. Diaz’s advice? “Let it go and just trim your armpit hair so it doesn’t hold onto the scent.” Yes. Let it go! Let it gooooooo! Now when someone says a Cameron Diaz movie stinks, it can be taken literally, too.
Now someone who I can only imagine smells of money, sex and Michelle Williams’s cooking and cleaning is having a great week: Beyonce topped the list of TIME Magazine’s Top 100 Most Influential People. The publication lauded the goddess for “breaking all the rules.” Rules? She broke CAREERS. GaGa what? Perry who? Who are they? Irrelevant. Over and done with. I’m pretty sure Britney’s last album is used as a Frisbee more often than for anything else. So congratulations, Beyonce! Just remember to have Michelle feed your sister Solange tonight.
And in some very troubling news, director of the current “X-Men” franchise is being accused of some things. Apparently, Bryan Singer used force and drugs to have sex with a 17-year-old boy in 1999. Singer denies the allegations but that has not stopped a lawsuit from being filed from the now 32-year-old supposed victim. Why the guy waited almost 20 years to come forward is a little weird. Regardless, Singer has pulled out of all promotional events for the latest “X-Men” flick, which is probably a good thing. We don’t want to soil Professor Xavier’s good name.
(04/22/14 10:16pm)
HELLOOOOOO. I am pleased to inform you that a “Mrs. Doubtfire 2” is in the works. Even though the film came out 21 years ago, America still has not gotten its fill of men dressing up as old women. It just tickles us in that special way. According to “The Hollywood Reporter,” Robin Williams and original director Chris Columbus are attached to develop the next installment. The script is planned on being penned by “Elf” writer David Berenbaum. If Williams and Columbus like it, then get out the powder, because Robin’s going to need a lot of it. The actress who played the youngest daughter in the film, Mara Wilson, tweeted less-than-stellar comments about the supposed plans. Honestly, what could you possibly base this movie on? Does Mrs. Doubtfire meet Big Fat Momma? Does she infiltrate an old folks’ home and befriend Elvis? Sally Fields doesn’t have time for this — she’s got a Boniva commercial to film, dammit!
HASHEESH MON. At least that’s what I think Whoopi Goldberg is saying at this very moment. That or, “Sherri, I swear to God I’ll kill you if you open your mouth again.” Whoopi has been tapped by the Denver Post to write a column that covers Colorado’s legalization of recreational marijuana. Damn, I see the view Whoopi really has is from high up. Hopefully “Sister Act 3” is based in Denver. It could just be about Sister Mary Clarence just eating a brownie for two hours. Nothing Jennifer Anniston has been in lately can top that.
OH NOOOOO. Leonardo DiCaprio was captured on video last week dancing like an idiot at the Coachella music festival. Thank God he’s famous enough that he’ll never be asked to go on “Dancing With the Stars.” Leo must have been on something from Denver, because if you see the video, you can tell he’s not all there. But hey, who am I to judge? I don’t work for the Academy. So continue dancing the night away, Leo. Maybe you’ll bump into an Oscar.
(04/15/14 5:21pm)
I’m going to keep it short and sweet this week because, child, I’ve got things to do (and by things to do, I mean people. And by people I mean sitting alone in my room).
Anyway gurlfrand, I just want to alert y’all to a little unknown gem in the TV world. God (aka Oprah to mortals) has her very OWN network. Called OWN. Owned by Oprah. OWN.
On said channel is a groundbreaking, powerful and incredibly moving documentary. Is it about slavery? No. Is it about human trafficking? No. Is it at least about a gorilla that could paint? No, better. It’s about an ex-actress who can’t get into an apartment. I present to you: “Lindsay.”
Yes, our beloved “Freaky Friday” star gets Erratic Sunday as her show airs on Sundays at 10 p.m. During the one-hour-long episodes, you get to ride the train that has long crashed that Lindsay thinks is still running. Watch how Lindsay is refused keys to her own apartment, as she pays a woman whose career is to be a “life advisor” just to tell her that she “can do it,” and as Lindsay spends an exuberant amount of money on couture clothes even though she has no events to wear them to, nor the money to spend on them.
Fascinating. If this were on Netflix, it would be under the category “Dull Trainwreck with a Wonky Female Lead.”
The only redeeming thing about this show is that Oprah sometimes appears in her heavenly might and tells Lindsay to literally “cut the bullshit.” So please, tune in at 10 p.m. and watch with me as we witness Lindsay Lohan’s “comeback” fall back into oblivion.
(04/08/14 3:09pm)
Do you know who’s gay? OK, stop pointing at me. I’m talking about famed British Olympian Tom Daley. Turns out, he’s not bisexual at all and is full-on “On Phil Robertson’s no-no list” gay. If you recall, Daley revealed in a YouTube video last December that he was in a same-sex relationship with the now-revealed Dustin Lance Black, who is twice his age at 39. Still, Daley claimed he still “fancied girls.” Probably the same way I fancy exercising. It’s cool, but I’m not going to do it. Daley went on to say his relationship with Dusty is all good while at the same time refusing to out any fellow celebrities. C’mon, Tom, just say it already and out Kim Kardashian. We all know she’s actually a camel.
If a 17-year-old girl on Instagram is to be believed (and honestly, are any of them liars?), then James Franco tried to hook up with one over the weekend. Apparently, a 17-year-old Scottish tourist met Franco in New York City and took an Insta with him, tagging him in the process. Allegedly, the two then began chatting later that night with Franco asking if he should “rent a hotel room” for the both of them. Um, excuse me. This sounds more like a bad fan fiction than anything that could be based in reality. What’s next — is she flirting with Liam Hemsworth on Twitter? Tom Daley on Grindr? Kim Kardashian on Rate My Puppy? Franco responded to the controversy on Instagram by writing, “I HOPE PARENTS KEEP THEIR TEENS AWAY FROM ME. Thank you.” Well, Franco, maybe this wouldn’t be a big deal if you made it a family affair.
President Bill Clinton had a major revelation to reveal on Jimmy Kimmel last week. No, it’s not that Hillary is the man in the relationship. It’s something much more … out there. Upon being asked by Kimmel, President Clinton told the audience he wouldn’t be surprised if aliens visited us one day. I fear the day we make contact with an advanced civilization. I think it will be as messy of a situation as Monica’s dress.
(04/01/14 1:40pm)
Oh, Goop. At least, I think that’s what Gwyneth Paltrow said as she sighed over a slice of vegan pizza. Paltrow and Coldplay front man Chris Martin are calling it quits on their marriage. The couple have been married for 10 years and had two children, the infamous Apple and Moses. Gwyn posted the news on her website, goop.com, which sounds like a site that would host 2Girls1Cup. I have never been a fan of Gwyneth Paltrow but divorce is never fun, especially for the kids. Unless Gwyneth marries Robert Downey, Jr. Then everyone wins.
Zac Efron is losing, though to homeless people? Apparently he and his bodyguard got into an altercation with a group of men when his car ran out of gas in L.A. First off, Zac, why you runnin’ on empty? You’re not Corbin Bleu. Fill that tank up and treat yo self! Honestly, these “homeless” people sound a lot like Vanessa Hudgens and the rest of the High School Musical crew. So beware, if you’re in Cali, Vanessa will fuck you up. She is roaming up and down Santa Monica and she is thirsty for blood and selfies.
Joan Rivers slammed Lena Dunham, star of the HBO show “Girls” for being fat and naked a lot. While it is true Lena does tend to be in the nude for a good portion of the show, Joan Rivers definitely has no right to criticize the way somebody looks. Has she looked in the mirror lately? She looks like a Power Rangers villain. She has had more work done on her face than a street with potholes. So, Joan, before you go out and attack someone, make sure you’re not looking like Skeletor.
(03/25/14 4:10pm)
You know, there are a lot of lists your name can end up on. For example: the FBI’s Most Wanted. Or if you’re unlucky enough, you can be on Lindsay Lohan’s alleged sex list. That’s right, the former harlot seems to have written a log of every man in Hollywood she has slept with. Familiar names like Ashton Kutcher, Justin Timberlake and the late, great Heath Ledger have all visited the enchanted Lindsay forest.
Hey, if they wanted to be in Narnia they could have just asked for a role in the movie. If this is true, some people are going to get pissed. Namely Oprah, who literally saved Lindsay from swimming in her own vomit by giving her a reality TV show (how ironic is it that a reality show saved this woman). Oprah currently owns Lindsay and she don’t need this shit, she has a network with a show about a family of fried chicken cooks to run!
Lady GaGa was thrown up on. Unfortunately, I cannot take credit for doing it. Apparently, the lunatic did it as a “performance art,” which sounds like a bad course in college. Gags has literally been gagged on, making me gag and I’m hoping she gags and I’m done. To tell the truth, I was a huge GaGa fan in high school, almost to the point that I was going to make a lyric from “Telephone” my senior year quote. Thank God I wasn’t that delusional. It is no lie that her career is not only not where it used to be, but has in fact plummeted into an abyss that I feel only Lil’ Kim knows. So say hi to Kimmy for me, baby. Because you ain’t going nowhere.
Emma Stone recently wept and for good reason. No, she didn’t break her foot. No, Andrew Garfield didn’t break up with her. She spoke to Mel B, better known as Scary Spice, during an interview in Australia. Apparently, Emma is a huge fan of the Spice Girls and honestly, who isn’t? See, GaGa, people can still hold onto fans without resorting to projectiles. Take note.
(03/18/14 3:18pm)
In a shocking turn of events, “The Bachelor” failed to unite two people in holy matrimony. How could this possibly happen? Juan Pablo Galavis failed to propose to any woman on the finale. He technically chose Nikki but didn’t put a ring on her finger. And you know what Beyoncé said about all that. Nikki and Juan Pablo are apparently still together, but honestly, I’ve seen more chemistry between myself and a slice of pizza. Once again, ABC has showed us that reality television is a hopeless place for love unless you’re Flava Flav and a jacuzzi.
Bill O’Reilly, in a possible suicide attempt, said bad words against Beyoncé. Does he not care for his life anymore? The talking head/disillusioned idiot thinks Beyoncé is a bad role model for girls since she glorifies sex, especially in the “Partition” music video. Listen, bitch, let’s get one thing straight: Beyoncé can sing about whatever the hell she wants. She owns you. She owns me. She owns everyone. The meaning of life is to BE yoncé. So congratulations on your ticket to Hell. You’ve deserved it.
Talk show hosts are not having a good week, with Piers Morgan getting burned by Chelsea Handler. Piers apparently tweeted during a commercial break, prompting Chelsea to call him a “terrible interviewer” for not paying attention to his guests. Piers fired back, saying Chelsea wasn’t keeping his attention. Well, Piers, you’re not going to be a bad interviewer soon once you’re show is canceled. Please don’t miss the flight with Bill O’Reilly.
(02/25/14 2:50pm)
“House of Cards” debuted on Netflix last week on Valentine’s Day. If you are like me (which I pray you’re not), then you spent that day in bed with Ben, Jerry and the iconic Frank Underwood. Hot. If you haven’t started watching yet, you’re an idiot. If you have started watching it, you are still an idiot, mostly because it’s so addicting. I finished 13 episodes in a weekend. There’s nothing like a good binge. The season was absolutely incredible with a premiere that hits you like a train.
Just in case you were wondering, no, Pharrell Williams is not a vampire. Apparently, Pharrell is 40 years old and has looked the same for the past 20 years. So, of course something supernatural is involved. Not a good skincare regimen. Not a balanced diet. Not good genes. He is a motherfucking bloodsucker. Pharrell released a statement (most likely at night) saying, “No, I am not (a vampire) … I’m willing to go on record as saying that I don’t drink people’s blood.” Hmmm, sounds like something a vampire would say. Has anyone ever seen Pharrell eat pizza with garlic? I rest my case.
Former “American Idol” judge/Plain White T icon Simon Cowell welcomed his first child into the world. On the delivery of his child, Cowell stated, “It was the worst bloody thing I’ve ever heard. You are by far the worst crier ever. I’ve heard births on cruise ships better than this.” Then Paula Abdul walked into the delivery room and stole all the epidurals. At least that’s what I wish all happened. The baby is a boy named Eric, who I’m sure will grow up to have his mother’s eyes and his father’s moobs. Congratulations, Cowell family!
(02/18/14 4:20pm)
The former rapper/current train wreck announced the news at an after party for MAC Cosmetics in New York. She also revealed she does not know the baby’s gender. Lil’ Kim loves surprises, especially when they have nothing to do with affidavits and court hearings. No definitive word yet on who the baby daddy is. Hopefully it’s Nicki Minaj.
In not shocking news, Kelly Rowland revealed she cries when she listens to Beyoncé’s album. If Kelly is crying, I’m sure Michelle Williams is worse off and hanging off a ledge. The singer also revealed she’s open to a Destiny’s Child reunion, although none of them have talked about it. Probably because they do not have Beyoncé’s number. It’s OK, Kelly. Your people will talk to Beyoncé’s people who will promptly refer them to the curb.
Martha Stewart is ready for some Bale, and this time it’s not for jail. The home-goods guru/former felon revealed she’s got an eye for Christian Bale after recently watching “American Psycho.” I knew watching a man covered in blood wielding a chainsaw is what gets Martha going — that and potpourri. She also confessed she was into Ryan Gossling for a while. Do you hear that, boys? You can spend a wonderful evening at the Stewart household. Just don’t let her handcuff you. Something tells me she still has a pair.
(02/11/14 6:45pm)
Let the games begin. The Winter Olympics have officially begun as of last Friday, Feb. 7, in the Russian city of Sochi. What a perfect location to host the games, as the Russians are famous for their camaraderie, duress and the ability to strike fear into the hearts of millions. The Sochi Games have been under fire for months, ever since the enactment of a law that banned “LGBT propaganda,” which means you basically can’t say or do anything gay. So if you thought you were gonna catch up on some “Will & Grace” DVDs in the Olympic Village, forget it. Want Pink Berry? You better keep your mouth shut. Enjoying Beyoncé’s new album? Chuck that iPod off the mountain you’re sliding down. Some have called for a boycott of the Games. But no country has done so and instead have sent a number of out athletes to show Russia that even if you’re gay, you can totally shred anyway.
Where was Clint Eastwood when President George W. Bush choked on a pretzel? The 83-year-old actor recently saved a man from choking to death. Eastwood sprung to the rescue of Steve John, an executive at an event he was attending. The man apparently had a piece of cheese lodged in his throat. Honestly, that’s the way I’d wanna go. Good ol’ Eastwood prevented that from happening to Mr. John, though. After the event, Eastwood pointed out he never performed the Heimlich maneuver before. Is there anything this man can’t do?
Oprah would definitely have one-upped Eastwood. She would have sucked the cheese right out of his mouth. You know how Oprah hates to see food go to waste. The media mogul/Leader of the Free World is in talks to debut on Broadway. Apparently, Oprah would star in “‘Night, Mother,” which I’m assuming is about the time Oprah sent Stedman to bed without dinner. FABULOUS. I’m all for Oprah winning a Tony. She needs more men to own.
(02/05/14 12:49am)
Please. PLEASE STOP. You’re always screwing up that I can honestly write, “Justin Bieber poops on steps to the White House,” AND IT WILL PROBABLY BE A FACT BY THE END OF NEXT WEEK. The troubled pop star/“Bad Girls Club” wannabe is in legal trouble, this time, not in our country. He went to go mess things up back in Canada where he has been charged with criminal assault on a limo driver. Why are you doing this? Justin Bieber Without Borders is about to become an organization because nobody wants your ass. It’s really pathetic how people are coming to his defense, saying he’s “just a kid.” Well, so was everyone else who has ever lived to 21 and most of them cannot boast that they’ve broken the law in two different countries. A jerk is a jerk. Listen, Canada, we might share Niagara Falls, but you can take this waterwork off our hands.
Hillary Clinton revealed in a recent interview that she hasn’t driven a car since 1996! Wow, she’s really missing out on Bluetooth. The future POTUS/current pantsuit heartthrob has had secret service agents drive her around for the past 18 years. Incredible. I wish I had that kind of service. I wonder what Hillary would be like behind the wheel. Something tells me she’d tailgate you, cut you off and then give you the finger as she blasts “Summertime Sadness” from her stereo. That’s the kind of person I need in the White House.
In stress relief news, “American Horror Story: Coven” finally wrapped up its season this past week. And I am glad. I have never watched a show that has given me a headache before, but watching Kathy Bates on a leash did just that. The season as a whole, while iconic, was very bad television. The writers definitely made shit up as they went along, making the show seem disjointed with no aspect of continuity. Do you remember when there was a minotaur and a MURDEROUS vagina? Like excuse me? What happened with all that? Here’s hoping Season 4 is coherent and spooky and features a guest appearance by William Shatner.
P.S. Hillary Clinton’s bumper sticker would definitely read “MONICASUX”
(01/28/14 10:54pm)
By Johnanthony Alaimo
Columnist
Oh, Justin, what are we going to do with you? I guess, put you in jail. The singer/irresponsible Canadian was arrested in the early morning hours of Thursday, Jan. 23, in Miami after being accused of driving under the influence and drag racing. Apparently, Bieber told police that he had a beer, pot and a prescription drug. Sounds like a great dinner. Of course, Bieber had his mugshot taken. I can’t wait for that image to pop up on souvenir mugs, shirts and maybe even a cute tote. The singer’s management team reportedly has been begging Biebs to go to rehab as his ego is getting out of control. Well, maybe he was on his way to rehab that day and just wanted to arrive in style.
Hashtags on Twitter calling for Bieber’s release quickly sprung up, one of which is “#FreeJustinBieber.” Confiscate all nail filers from pre-teen girls now as a precaution. Bieber’s bail was set at $2,500, which is about how much his crushed-up tissue would sell for on eBay.
Fans of The Wanted (anyone? anyone?) will be disappointed to hear that the band is taking a break from one another after they wrap up their upcoming tour. I’m sorry, boys, but you’re not fooling anyone. This is not a “break,” this is goodbye. The Wanted haven’t exactly been “successful.” Singing a song in a movie where Ray Romano voices a woolly mammoth is not exactly making it to the top. If any of you are lucky, maybe you can sneak into One Direction. Hide inside Harry’s hair.
Lindsay Lohan has announced she is making a new film! What’s even funnier is that she wants Jessica Lange of “American Horror Story” fame to co-star with her in it. Excuse me? Jessica Lange is a talented actress that surrounds herself with only the best talent, minotaurs and axe-wielding psychopaths and you, Ms. Lohan, do not fit any of those bills. Good luck on attempting to get people to pay to see you act, though!
(01/21/14 5:55pm)
Hello again, friends, frenemies and Gweneth Paltrow (I know you read this, bitch). It’s been a long winter break and to be honest, I fell asleep watching “The Hobbit” back in December and I’m just walking out of the theater now so I have a lot to catch up on. 2014, huh?
Unfortunately, it seems that the biggest news story is that Justin Bieber threw eggs at his neighbor’s house. That’s the wrong way to menstruate, dear. Apparently Biebs has been having a feud with the guy next door and decided to egg his house, costing the homeowner $20,000 worth of damage. Holy shit, are you sure he threw eggs and not bricks? I’m sure a bottle of Windex can clean up the mess.
Regardless, Bieber is definitely in the wrong, so much so that police raided his home to collect evidence regarding the incident. What they found was a lot better than anything that can come out of a hen’s ass. I’m talking about cocaine! One of Bieber’s friends was arrested for possession of the illegal drug. Oh, Justin, you’ve been keeping an eye out for Selener so much that you ignored the LAPD.
Amanda Bynes has come a long way since trying to light a dog on fire. The actress/51-50 hold icon is back at school, having enrolled in the Fashion Institute of Design and Merchandising. A lot of jokes were made about Bynes in the past regarding her erratic behavior, myself being very guilty. However, Bynes clearly suffered a very real mental disorder, which is not fun and games. I’m glad she has recovered and is getting her life back on track. By this time next year, hopefully she and Drake will have collaborated on his next album.
“American Idol” is returning! If you’re a cricket, this is your cue to start chirping. Does anybody care about this show anymore? What is it even about? The show has had consistently declining ratings over the last few years and it’s no wonder. “Idol” has lost its spark and I’m not talking about Jordin. Can you even name last season’s winner? For all I know it was Randy Jackson. The fact is, “Idol” hasn’t been the same since they let go of Paula Abdul. She was the beacon of the program, proving that it doesn’t matter how many pills you take, it’s how you use them.
(12/03/13 7:30pm)
[caption id="attachment_29708" align="alignright" width="300" caption="You won't find Mrs. Carter in a pyramid anytime soon. (AP photo)"]
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In a shocking turn of events, Beyoncé, AKA our savior, has been banned from the Egyptian pyramids. Excuse me, now where will the Queen be buried? Turns out Beyoncé angered her tour guide who thought she was “rude.” Bitch, Beyoncé can slap you across the face and you take that as a compliment. Just ask Michelle Williams. Apparently, Beyoncé showed up at her scheduled appointment late and did not apologize. She was probably too busy accepting an award for breathing, so calm down. The tour guide, Zahi Hawass, reportedly said, “I am not giving you the privilege of having you on my tour. I said Beyoncé was stupid and I left.” I would not be surprised if Hawass suddenly finds himself suffering the Seven Plagues of Sasha Fierce. If he survives to the seventh plague — irrelevancy — it would be a miracle. Just ask Michelle Williams.
It’s beginning to look a lot like a divorce. Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore, after being separated since 2011, are officially divorced. What a wonderful holiday gift to them both. There’s nothing more cheery than a dissolution of a marriage. Both actors have since moved on with their lives and are dating, with Ashton linked to Mila Kunis and Moore linked to a Botox syringe.
In other love news, actor/Xenu enthusiast Tom Cruise is reportedly dating “Orange is the New Black” star Laura Prepon, also known as Donna from “That ’70s Show.” Both met through their Scientology connections. You know, these Scientologists are hooking up like rabbits. ChristianMingle needs to watch their backs. I guess there’s just something intrinsically romantic about pouring millions of dollars to fund a corrupt cult. If only Michelle Williams could join, she’d finally be at peace.
(11/19/13 5:54pm)
Grab a partner, and swing round and round, because Lady GaGa is open to a threesome. The pop star/scientific oddity was recently on the Howard Stern Show where she was asked whether she would be open to having a threesome with her current boyfriend, Taylor Kinney.GaGa responded, “That sounds like fun! To be fair, he has stuck it out with me for a very long time, through drug habits and all those sorts of things. So he’s a really lovely, amazing person.”
Gags refused to say, however, if she already has had a threesome with Kinney — probably because she didn’t want Madonna to get mad at her. She’d probably be like, “Gags is copying me AGAIN. I had the first threesome in 1904!”
Honestly though, GaGa can try all she wants, but the only threesome that will ever matter is the Nina, the Pinta and the Santa Maria. All I wonder is what’s Gags’s safe word in bed? I’m guessing it’s something along the lines of “YASSS! YOU LOOK SO BEAUTIFUL. YASSSSS!”
I apologize in advance as this is yet another Britney Spears story, but someone has to make sure she’s OK. Britney in a recent interview talked about the “mind-altering” aspects of fame. If any sentence in the world ever looked right, it’s definitely one with “Britney Spears” and “mind-altering” in it. The singer/choreography boycotter opened up to Vegas Player Magazine and said, “This is the thing: I’m actually really shy. I don’t like having my picture taken. I don’t like the attention, but it’s something that comes with success.”
Brit also talked about how she “never” reads what the tabloids are saying about her. And why should she. She’s too busy spritzing her perfume and running through corridors. If you have not yet checked out Britney’s newest single, eloquently titled “Perfume,” you are missing out. Britney’s back bitches, and she is wobbling over to the charts.
Not only are Gags and Brit milling around the media spotlight, but Mariah Carey has also peeked her head out of the Home Shopping Network hole she’s usually buried in. In a recent HOT 97 radio interview, the singer/professional diva talked about her past gig on “American Idol,” describing it as “going to work every day in hell with Satan.” Mariah, that’s not something very nice to say about Randy! Actually, the barb was probably against the Barbz, Nicki Minaj herself. You know, now that Mariah mentions it, every time “Starships” plays, I get a feeling that I’m on fire.
Well, if anyone is looking to sell their souls, just put on “Pink Friday: Roman Reloaded,” light a few wigs on fire, and say in the mirror three times “Take your medication” and voila! Nicki will appear and make all your dreams come true. Why else do you think Britney’s doing so well?
(11/12/13 3:37pm)
In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spearit. Amen.
That, at least, is how I hope the new musical, which tells the story of Jesus Christ, featuring Britney Spears’s catalogue, will start. In what I’m sure many were waiting
for, the musical will chronicle the life of Jesus set to the tune of Britney Spears’s catchiest songs. What many would call blasphemy, I would call phlegmy (Britney, don’t breathe so heavy). I could just imagine Jesus at the Last Supper singing “Piece of Me.” No word yet on whether a musical on the origin of Satan featuring the best of Christina Aguilera is in the works.
While Spears is getting closer to the heavens, another star is taking that seriously. In up, up and go away news, Lady GaGa is set to become the first musician to sing in space after she launches from a rocket in New Mexico in 2015. If she’s trying to find a place where Katy Perry is not on the charts, she’s going to have to travel quite a while. I’m very upset Gags will get the distinction of being the first singer in space. I’m sure Azealia Banks is going to strap a bottle of Pepsi and Mentos to her ass and try to beat her.
J. Biebs is trying to beat away the controversy surrounding his apparent stay at a Brazilian brothel. Apparently, he was even filmed by his alleged prostitute while he was sleeping. Boy, you don’t even disarm your woman from holding a Kodak? What the hell does Bieber need Brazilian prostitutes for? He could walk into any high school and it would be like
an outdoor market. Selena Gomez, the ball is in your court. I’ve heard Hungarian brothels are quite the rage.
(11/06/13 9:36pm)
Do you want shocking news?
Then you better stop reading. Chris Brown, singer/Karma abuser, has struck out again.
Literally.
He punched some dude in the face. His excuse? The guy photobombed a picture Brown was taking with a fan. Listen loser, just because a guy is a jerk doesn’t mean you need to go Muhammed Ali on him. That movie came out years ago and Will Smith did just fine — ain’t nobody looking for a sequel. No word yet on a reaction from Rihanna as of this writing, but that’s probably because she’s too busy not giving a fuck.
Just in case you were feeling better about humanity, Julianne Hough was caught donning blackface for her Halloween outfit. The actress, best known as “Who?” was seen as “Crazy Eyes,” a popular character from Netflix’s “Orange is the New Black.” The character in the show is portrayed by an African-American woman. So naturally, Hough, a white woman, decided to really get into character by darkening her skin with make up. A+ in racism, F in racing away from the problem.
Unfortunately, Julianne did not realize the severity of the situation until everyone in the world started screaming at her. She has since apologized, but this will certainly go down as the worst outfit decision made by an individual since Lil‘ Kim’s anything.
And finally, the Jonas Brothers are no more. Say it ain’t so, Joe! Apparently, the group has been arguing over everything from music videos to individual opportunities. Like damn, Kevin, can’t you have the decency to share your wife?
The trio gave a candid interview to “Good Morning America,” where they basically laid the Jonas Brothers to rest. So in the year 3000, when we’re all living underwater, we can look back at the history books and recall one of the darkest days of our nation. Now that the brothers are essentially “unemployed,” hopefully they can sign up for some Obamacare!
(10/22/13 3:34pm)
Do you hear that? No, turn off the megahit “Work Bitch” for a second and listen even closer. Yes. It’s the sound of women waxing their legs, plucking their brows and bleaching their, well ... Because, everyone, Zac Efron is single. And he only likes the most bleached of them all. (Vanessa Hudgens, bleach your heart out.) The young heartthrob/your daughter’s wallpaper print recently declared he is single and not dating anybody at the moment. You know that phrase, “plenty of fish in the sea”? Well, fuck the fish. I don’t want a flounder. I don’t even want a hefty albacore. I want a chest of doubloons. And I have reason to believe Efron has plenty of good doubloons.
Speaking of fish, Taylor Swift is making like one hanging out in Chinatown, attracting the worst of attention. The singer/breakup enthusiast recently spoke about her upcoming album. That’s right. We have a lot more to look forward to. She also mentioned how the album will be “different than the last.” What, did you date and break up with a woman now? Tegan and Sara have already cornered the lesbian angst market, back off! Rumors are spreading, though, that the album will be called, “At first I did not know it was your diary. I thought it was a very sad, handwritten book.”
And finally, Britney Spears has released the title of her upcoming album slated for a release on Tuesday, Dec. 3: “Britney Jean.” I’ll tell you now, Billie Jean might not be my lover, but BRITNEY Jean certainly is. The iconic pop star also had a bit of “surprising” news. She will be taking a break after the album. Well, Britney has been really busy lately. I think they’re making her wake up before 3 p.m.! It’s a grueling schedule. But I’m proud of what my homegirl has done. An eighth studio album? That’s the kind of change I like to see, SWIFT.