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(01/30/13 5:54pm)
I’m back and as critical as ever! Let’s talk about some news that gets me frustratingly aroused. Ryan Gosling, in a recent interview with an Australian (I know, a REAL Australian!) in the Herald Sun, has described his abs in a quite peculiar way.
The full text of his quote is as follows: “Anyone can get those if they work at it. It’s just a lot of exercising. And it’s really quite pointless, because you go to a gym and you lift a heavy thing so a muscle grows, but the only thing the muscle can actually do is to lift that heavy thing. After a while they’re like pets because they don’t do anything useful. But you have to feed them and take care of them otherwise they’ll go away. I feel a bit goofy having them, to tell you the truth.”
WOW, even his quote has more abs than me. Ryan, you raise an interesting point. Abs ARE like pets! Which is why I just got certified to become a professional veterinarian. Please, stop by my clinic anytime to drop them off. (The clinic happens to be my house.)
In a rare sports update from me, everyone is talking about Manti Te’o. Who’s Manti Te’o? I don’t know, I thought it was a crackpot health regiment that white soccer moms were doing. You know how they love their fads from overseas. Kinoki foot pads anyone?
Anyway, Te’o is actually a Notre Dame football player who’s in a whirlwind of drama! Apparently, there was a story going around that Te’o’s (sidenote: that just looks silly, but hey, grammar!) grandma died and so did his girlfriend, Lennay Kekua, within hours of each other. However, the tragic deaths propelled him to lead his team in victory! It turns out Lennay never existed. A dead fake girlfriend? That’s the story I tell my grandfather every time he asks me if I have a girlfriend yet!
Te’o claims he is not a part of this hoax and that other conspirators are responsible for spreading the misleading story. Whatever you say, Manti! Let me know when your girlfriend is at least a mirage. Apparently, Te’o was actually in a relationship with this “woman” who he met online, but he never even met her! This is the biggest catfish catch of the century! Nev Schulman has to change his pants! I hope Te’o learns his lesson and never falls for another Internet scam again. But congratulations! You are the one millionth visitor to tcnjsignal.net! Please send me your credit card info to claim your free X-Box 360!
Speaking of dating, Taylor Swift is probably looking for her own Lennay Kekua after her breakup with Harry Styles. At the Golden Globes, Tina Fey cracked a joke that T. Swift should stay away from Michael J. Fox’s dashing young son. Fox eventually penned a written piece that outlined why he doesn’t want Taylor Swift dating the younger Fox. This caused Taylor Swift’s fans to go NUTS. Swift tweeted to her loyal cultists, “Hey everybody, Michael J. Fox got in touch with me today and we are good. Thanks for having my back.”
Well, first off, I think it’s time T. Swift stopped sharing her back. Secondly, what do you mean Michael J. Fox got in touch? Did he promise his second born to you? When will your lust for youth end??? Watch how Taylor Swift is really a youth-sucking succubus and her true form looks like Gloria Stuart. Check Harry for wrinkles! It must be true! At least this terrible Taylor-Michael J. Fox feud is over. Now we can move on to more important things! Like, did Baby Kimye get lip injections yet?
(12/06/12 4:15pm)
One time, I got punched in the face by Lindsay Lohan. It was awesome. Do you see where this is going already? Lindsay is once again in the spotlight. The prison spotlight that is.
Our favorite celebrity has decided that she missed the feeling of cold steel around her wrists and chose to give the police another go, for old time’s sake. It has been reported that LiLo punched a woman in the face at a bar called Avenue in NYC, which prompted her arrest. Apparently, gurl thinks she’s Cinderella Man. The story goes like this. Lindsay got it in her head that she will get down and dirty with Max from The Wanted, who were playing a show at Madison Square Garden. But, because she’s Lindsay Lohan, they did not let her backstage. I mean, they couldn’t invite her backstage, SHE WAS ON PROBATION. So naturally, Lindsay just followed the band to a bar when their concert was over. At this point, Lindsay probably would have settled for hooking up with Joey Fatone, but she was still intent on her goal. So when she got a little tipsy and saw Max flirting with a lady who probably didn’t smell like grease, Lindsay got a little angry and all hell broke loose. This just has not been this gal’s week. I know “Liz and Dick” didn’t go exactly as planned, but that doesn’t mean she should try a career in ultimate fighting. *sigh* If only she landed as many jobs as she does punches. Obviously, Lindsay can kiss her probation goodbye. So much for a rejuvenation of her career. First it’s Lifetime, next it’s lifetime in jail. Good move.
In other news, Britney Spears and Will.I.Am’s music collaboration finally has a music video, so now not only can our ears bleed, but our eyes too. The music video basically shows Britney and Will.I.Am being cloned repeatedly. Copycats. Dolly the Sheep did that before it was cool. The song and video are nothing new, but of course I’m a sucker for anything Britney related, so I like it. I guess. I mean, Britney was seen holding two flaming disco balls. I think it’s illegal for me NOT to like that. Of course, my favorite part in the song is when Britney says, “It’s Britney, bitch,” which makes me happy because she remembers her name.
Finally in this wrap-up, let’s get a little political. Mitt Romney and President Obama met for a delicious lunch for the first time since Election Day. Unfortunately, Obama did not take Romney to Dave & Buster’s, which I’m sure got Romney upset. But they had chili in the White House.YUM. There’s nothing like a good bowl of chili to quell complicated geopolitical rivalries! It always helps me when I find myself in similar situations. The two talked about American leadership and hoped they could work together. I’m sure Obama smirked and said, “Yeah, work together. Work together showing you the door!” He’s a real funny guy. Regardless, I hope Romney enjoyed his visit. And stole the leftovers.
(11/13/12 11:29pm)
So this week, I’ve decided to cover a story that is so monumentally shocking that I think you should go to IKEA and specifically buy a chair to sit down in while reading this. (You’ll be assembling that chair for a few days, but this story is timeless so it’s OK.)
Folks, I have some heartbreaking news. Cole Sprouse of “The Suite Life of Zack and Cody” fame is completely, absolutely, without a doubt, clinically INSANE. Like not even whacky Britney Spears insane or fun Gary Busey insane. Like, “Put This Guy in a Cabin in the Woods” insane.
I’m sure most of you are aware of what tumblr is, especially if you’re lonely like me. Tumblr is usually filled with food porn, porn or porn food, which I will not explain. However, one fateful night, I stumbled on Cole Sprouse’s tumblr. Now, I’m sure I was one of many who forgot about Cole Sprouse, like most Disney TV stars. Like I assume Miranda from “Lizzie McGuire” is babysitting Hilary Duff’s baby and Raven’s brother from “That’s So Raven” is wishing he was Hilary Duff’s baby. But alas, Cole Sprouse has never crossed my mind. Lo and behold, I was suddenly thrust into the nightmare world that is Cole Sprouse’s mind.
Turns out, the dude goes to NYU now. Good for him, pursuing an education and not going the way of other child celebrities. I mean, the world has enough Gary Coleman. Even Gary Coleman was too much Gary Coleman. But Cole is being responsible.
Though, a simple look at his page told me something was off. Especially when I came across his little cute post about eating a duck fetus, I mean WHAT OMFG HE ATE A DUCK FETUS LIKE A. DUCK. FETUS. BABY WAT.
Yeah. Remember that “Suite Life” episode when Cody has to run a daycare center, well IT DOESN’T MATTER BECAUSE HE ATE A DUCK FETUS.
He wants us all to be adventurous eaters. Like, ok, I’ll try eggs with ketchup, NOT A DUCK FETUS.
I think I exhausted my caps lock use and the phrase “duck fetus” for a year. But can someone, anyone, please check up on him? Like Mayor Bloomberg, man, I understand the weather needs your attention, but can you just send a small team for a simple monitoring? The guy talks as if he is an existential ghost from the future. Or he’s constantly blazed out of his fucking mind.
Oh, other question, WHERE IS DYLAN? (Damn, caps lock again.) Dylan Sprouse, are you just going to let this happen to your twin? Is anyone listening? This is a cry for help.
So there you go folks. A lot is happening and now that we know Cole Sprouse is out of his damn mind, I hope your life has changed. Go out there and do something. Tell your parents. Tell your neighbor. Tell that cat you always see on the way home. Awareness spreads action.
This makes me all wonder something too. What do you think Ricky Ullman of “Phil of the Future” is doing right now?