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Sunday December 5th

NFL teams as Top 100 Billboard hits

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Six weeks through the NFL, it’s hard to truly feel like we understand every team. There’s still plenty of mysteries to be solved, games to be played and injuries to be had. But right now, teams have defined themselves enough to where they can be described in the most fantastic of ways: music.

I’ve given every NFL team their own theme song, a song off the top 100 Billboard hits right now that accurately describes each team.

New England Patriots: “Still Into You” by Paramore. No Rob Gronkowski? No problem. Despite having a banged up receiving core and underwhelming big-time on offense, Patriots’ fans still love Tom Brady — and he showed why with his game-winner against the Saints.

Miami Dolphins: “Dark Horse” by Katy Perry. A common sports term, Miami seems like they fit the bill of dark horse better than anyone else. Ryan Tannehill, Lamar Miller and the defense have shown promise, but are they there yet?

New York Jets: “Treasure” by Bruno Mars. Make no mistake, Geno Smith does not come without flaws. But he is a treasure for this team. With virtually no offensive weapons, he’s gotten the lowly Jets at .500 and given them a reason to move on from Mark Sanchez.

Buffalo Bills: “I Need Your Love” by Calvin Harris and Ellie Goulding. This is the Bills’ fans needing E. J. Manuel’s love. After such a long time of losing in Buffalo, the rookie seems destined to turn things around if he stays healthy.

Cincinnati Bengals: “Hold On, We’re Going Home” by Drake. The Bengals finally got their first road win on Sunday, but it was over Thad Lewis’ Bills. This seems like a team that is simply good at home and bad on the road.

Baltimore Ravens: “Clarity” by Zedd. If the love between Joe Flacco and Ravens’ fans is tragedy, why is he their remedy? If their love’s insanity, why is he their clarity?

Cleveland Browns: “Team” by Lorde. Thanks to some team-oriented football lacking Trent Richardson, they rattled off three straight wins and are only a game out of a division lead.

Pittsburgh Steelers: “Everything Has Changed” by Taylor Swift. It seems like the end of an era in Pittsburgh. The defense is aging, which could put the steal curtain on hold.

Indianapolis Colts: “Blurred Lines” by Robin Thicke. The Colts are the good girl, Andrew Luck is the model young quarterback, Chuck Pagano is the head coach who emotionally battled his way back from cancer and the team as a whole is having great success. But as we’ve seen since the Trent Richardson trade, Indy has been more ground and pound, showing they “must wanna get nasty.”

Tennessee Titans: “Bruises” by Train. Every team has bruises and injuries, but perhaps none as significant as the Titans losing Jake Locker. Ryan Fitzpatrick is not good enough.

Houston Texans: “Red” by Taylor Swift. OK, maybe the song meaning is a bit different than the Texans’ current predicament, but after poor play and interceptions galore, Matt Schaub and Houston are seeing red.

Jacksonville Jaguars: “TKO” by Justin Timberlake. The Jags were probably knocked out a while ago, but Denver put the finishing touches on this abomination of a team on Sunday. Fans hope Blaine Gabbert is down and out.

Denver Broncos: “We Can’t Stop” by Miley Cyrus. If you’ve seen the Broncos offense this season, you can see that they can’t be stopped. If you see the relentless way they’ve played in garabage time, you know they won’t stop.

Kansas City Chiefs: “Wrecking Ball” by Miley Cyrus. Everyone expected the Chiefs to be improved from last year’s two-win team, but no one expected this. Kansas City has quite literally come into the 2013 season like a wrecking ball with their ferocious defense, putting up 10 interceptions and 31 sacks in their 6-0 start.

San Diego Chargers: “Sweater Weather” by The Neighbourhood. The Chargers of the past have always been slow out of the gate, only to come back in December. This wasn’t the case last year, but with the resurgence of Phillip Rivers, Chargers fans are longing for cold weather.

Oakland Raiders: “All Me” by Drake. We thought this team was a lock for the basement of the NFL, but Terrelle Pryor has already led them to two wins. However, it’s pretty much all Pryor making this team competitive.

Dallas Cowboys: “Demons” by Imagine Dragons. Tony Romo has been having a phenomenal statistical season, similar to the one he had last year. But like he showed with his interception against Denver, there are still demons haunting Romo and the Cowboys.

Philadelphia Eagles: “Slow Down” by Selena Gomez. The Eagles put on a spectacle the first game of the season, but have since slowed down. Now, with Michael Vick hurt, it may be time for Chip Kelly to pump the brakes more.

Washington Redskins: “Get Lucky” by Daft Punk. With the struggles of Robert Griffin II and the team as a whole, it’s clear this team got a little lucky winning the NFC East last year, which they’ll need if they want to do it again.

New York Giants: “Wake Me Up” by Avicii. This goes for the whole Giants team, who really need a wake-up call. Champions two years ago, New York has 20 turnovers in six losses with a minus 106 scoring margin (second worst only to the Jaguars). Or maybe Tom Coughlin is hoping to be woken up from this nightmare.

Green Bay Packers: “Can’t Hold Us” by Macklemore & Ryan Lewis. With the addition of Eddie Lacy — and thus some offensive balance — and a healthy receiving corps, not many defenses will hold them.

Detroit Lions: “Beware” by Big Sean. The Lions have impressed, but fans beware. This team has yet to completely shed its label of immaturity and can shoot itself in the foot at any time.

Chicago Bears: “Roar” by Katy Perry. After years of offensive mediocrity, Marc Trestman has given Chicago’s offense some bite: Jay Cutler has looked more efficient than he’s ever been and Matt Forte is being used in a variety of ways. Despite a mini two-game slump, you can hear the Bears’ roar.

Minnesota Vikings: Counting Stars by OneRepublic. This song has been thought to describe a man struggling to support his significant other. That’s what the Vikings are dealing with with Adrian Peterson, who has virtually no talent surrounding him.

New Orleans Saints: “Safe and Sound” by Capital Cities. New Orleans has rebounded from an off year to be the class of the NFC. And with a 5-1 record and the closest thing to them in the division being the two-win Panthers, the Saints are safe and sound in the Superdome.

Carolina Panthers: “Heartbreaker” by Justin Beiber. Ever since Ron Rivera and Cam Newton have come to down, they’ve been heartbreakers for Carolina fans, going 2-14 in games decided by a touchdown or less.

Atlanta Falcons: “Just Give Me a Reason” by Pink and Nate Ruess. I’m looking for a reason the Falcons are broken, not bent. The defense is a mess. Steven Jackson, Roddy White and Julio Jones are hurt. Is Matt Ryan enough?

Tampa Bay Buccaneers: “Radioactive” by Imagine Dragons. This team is far less toxic than they were when they had Josh Freeman, but Greg Schiano’s personality is still there. Unless the 0-5 Bucs can start winning games, the locker room will continue to be radioactive.

Seattle Seahawks: “Mirrors” by Justin Timberlake. This team needs to look in a mirror when they’re on the road and when they’re at home, because they can’t be the same team. Seattle must amp up the intensity in opposing stadiums if they want to reach a Super Bowl.

San Francisco 49ers: “Royals” by Lorde. The defending NFC champs have had their fair share of struggles, especially with injuries to offensive weapons, but getting back to smash mouth football makes them royalty of the NFC.

St. Louis Rams: “Brave” by Sarah Bareilles. The Rams have gotten back on track with back-to-back wins, but they’re in the NFC West and have to plays the defenses of the Niners, Seahawks and Cardinals — a combined four more times. Sam Bradford, I want you to be brave.

Arizona Cardinals: “Sunny and 75” by Joe Nichols. It’s always sunny in Arizona, but we’ll have to see how long it takes for the sun to go down on this team. Carson Palmer is clearly not the answer at QB, and the defense can only keep this team respectable for so long.


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