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(05/07/15 11:42pm)
By Johnanthony Alaimo
Columnist
Have you been holding your breath waiting for a “Lizzie MaGuire” reunion? Well, I have news for your blue, dead body. It happened! Sort of. Are you still excited even though I said sort of? Would you be more excited if I said absolutely? Do you hate me asking you questions when there’s really no way of you answering them? Shut up and listen!
According to E!, Hilary Duff she went bowling and hung out with former TV best friend, Miranda Sanchez, played by…I have no idea what her name is in real life and I refuse to find out. Why can’t it be Miranda Sanchez? She also hung out with her TV brother, Matt, who now has a receding hairline. Cool! This all happened not because Hilary necessarily wanted to, but because she went on a Tinder date with some guy named Tom! Tom who, Hilary??? Tom Welling? Tom Arnold? Tommy Pickles? All this mystery will certainly hurt the campaign for presidency you just launched.
Hil refused to give up more details on her beau, but she said that he’s an actor and she doesn’t like that! Should’ve swiped left, Hil. She went on to say she ABSOLUTELY did not kiss him at the end of the night but that she’s a TINDER ANIMAL, a phrase I hope to never hear again describing a person. Good for you though, Hilary! Get yourself out there. Where’s Gordo in all this, though? Is he OK? Is he off your radar? Let’s find him!
In news that is not shocking, but should be, Mariah Carey is best friends with a dolphin! How did she manage such a feat? Dolphins of course are known for their fandom of Mariah! (While sharks are known as Ariana Grande fans.) In a recent interview with Robin Leach, she explained she’s buddy buddy with a dolphin named Osbourne. Sounds good, Mimi! But if this is a PR stunt by SeaWorld, though, I’m not having it. Just please remember that he needs to be immersed in water at all times, so cool it on the ice cream carting with him!
Alas, my chickadees, this is the last edition of the Hollyword. Please, don’t shave your head. Save (shave?) that drama for another day. It brought me great joy and carpal tunnel syndrome writing this column for you. We’ve been through a lot. Meltdowns, throwdowns and pat downs (my favorite). My only regret is that I will not still be writing when Justin Bieber will inevitably be airlifted off a toilet. Hopefully another sociopath takes my place here at The Signal to cover that.
I will leave you with the wisest words I know. I quote, “DON’T BE FUCKING RUDE!” — Kim Kardashian. Good night and good potluck.
(04/23/15 7:43pm)
By Johnanthony Alaimo
Columnist
Do you know nothing about Native American headdresses but enjoy wearing them? Is your idea of a good time spending thousands of dollars to go to the middle of the desert? Do you have a friend named Tiffany who is, like, a total bitch but, like, you, like, totally love her? Then Coachella is the place for you.
The infamous music festival known for gathering the most annoying people on the planet and baking them in the sun was held last weekend, and the pretentiousness was in full force. Justin Bieber and Kendall Jenner were in attendance together, and when the Biebs tried to get Kendall into a 21+ area, things got out of control. Kendall was obviously denied entry, and the security would not budge, no matter how far Bieber’s peach fuzz moustache stood up. Incredible, honestly. Eventually the Biebs and Kendall left, probably to go ruin another spot on Earth.
Not to be outdone, Kim Kardashian revealed what she eats in a single day. Amazing. Groundbreaking. My ass cheeks clap for her. I was going to tell you all but do you really care? Will it change your life? Go outside.
DING DING DING. That is the sound of one of my favorite shows, Celebrity Deathmatch, announcing its return. Famous in the late ’90s for showing us what our beloved celebs would look like killing each other in Claymation, the show is set to return on MTV2. Will we get to see Kendall Jenner fight a cactus at Coachella? How about Lady Gaga covered in more blood than usual? Maybe we’ll even see Kanye fight himself. Whatever match they think up, I’ll be watching and placing bets like the good American that I am.
(04/15/15 4:33am)
By Johnanthony Alaimo
Columnist
Tragedy struck Canada this past week when Marilyn Manson was PUNCHED in the face at a Denny’s. First off, I was not aware that Canada had a Denny’s. Second off, I was not aware Marilyn Manson had a face. Third off, you should totally expect to be PUNCHED in the face when you’re at a Denny’s.
There is a complete hierarchy of restaurants and what happens to you when you go to them. Denny’s has physical violence, Perkins has quiet and depressing self-reflection and Friendly’s has explosive diarrhea.
But poor Marilyn. Apparently, this is what went down according to People Magazine: “On April 5 around 2:45 a.m. Lethbridge Police responded to a report of an altercation at a Denny’s restaurant along the 400 block of Mayor Magrath Drive South in Lethbridge, Alberta, Canada. Investigation determined that three people had been involved in a physical altercation and sustained minor injuries. No charges were laid and the file has been concluded.” I hope he was able to enjoy his first Grand Slam before he got his unexpected second one.
DirecTV has been forced to pull its Rob Lowe commercial campaign ads, which feature Lowe playing himself as well as an alter-ego that’s not so hot. Apparently, Comcast — DirecTV’s main competitor — filed a complaint with the National Advertising Commission which, as a branch of the Better Business Bureau, then recommended DirecTV pull the plug on the ads. Good, honestly. Pull the ads. In fact, get rid of all commercials. Replace them with cute dog videos or that clip of Britney Spears high and talking about time travel. Much better use of time.
And there’s another Duggar in the world. Jill Duggar and husband Derick Dillard have welcomed their first child into a world where you can be PUNCHED in the face for walking into a Denny’s. The child’s name is “Burning Talking Bush Hallelujah Jesus Mary and Joseph Swiper No Swiping Dillard.” OK fine, it’s actually just Israel David Dillard, but don’t tell me they weren’t thinking about the first one. I cannot wait until the child is able to say his first anti-gay statement, and I hope they record him burning his first batch of birth control pills! So sweet, the young.
(04/11/15 6:38pm)
By Johnanthony Alaimo
Columnist
Do you like listening to people who have LOTS of money and power? Do you like spending money on a service that you could easily get cheaper or even FREE? Do you have a loose grip on reality? Then Tidal, the new music service/unnatural disaster, is for you. Tidal is the new web streaming service created by Jay-Z that puts MORE MONEY in struggling music artists’ pockets (and if they do not have pockets, I guess stashing it in their jets will do). Hungry people like Nicki Minaj can finally get more filet mignon, Rihanna can finally get her butthole crystallized and Kanye West can laser the words “GO FUCK YOURSELF” into the Cascade Mountains. Some may say this is just a way to finance the Illuminati (although I think that already started with Dippin’ Dots: The Ice Cream of the Future).
Are you still not sold on Tidal yet? Well, here’s some more information that will surely have you taking out a second mortgage on your home to finance your Jay-Z obsession. It costs $19.99 a MONTH whereas Spotify Premium costs $9.99 for the same length of time. It’s an artist-owned streaming service that is supposed to put music back in control of the people who make it. In addition, its major selling point is that its sound quality is premium and better than that of any other competitors. Great, fine, dandy. But I have a couple of questions. How will this help actual struggling artists? Why did Beyoncé, Alicia Keys and Madonna sign a piece of paper at the release event as if they were liberating music from the British? And where are the Barenaked Ladies? It’s yet to be seen if Tidal will “purify” the music industry. All its done so far is erode my patience with the big wigs. Now if you would excuse me, I’m pretty sure there’s a sniper dot on my forehead and Beyoncé is behind the trigger. If you need me, I’ll be hiding where nobody dares to go: Lil Kim’s house.
(04/01/15 10:45pm)
By Johnanthony Alaimo
Columnist
Madonna has a new album out! Don’t break your hip rushing to go get it, though — don’t be such a Madonna. The 13th studio record from the diva/geriatric ward escapee is titled “Rebel Heart,” which just sounds like a cool new way to say heart attack.
I took the liberty of reviewing the album when I had the time (using the bathroom during happy hour at On the Border). This new release has EVERYTHING you want in an album, just name it. 19 songs you don’t want to listen to? Check. A song called “Bitch I’m Madonna?” Check. A SONG WITH MIKE TYSON ON IT? Check, mate and ear snatched. Honestly, the album is pretty atrocious and tries too hard to play into the EDM craze. Madonna may be getting cozy with Molly, but who wants to hang out with them together?
I admit, I’m a huge Madonna fan, having being raised on her earlier hits. “Holiday” is the first thing I blast when school lets out for the summer. But sadly, Madonna seems to be running out of steam. Just give her a hot compress already and call it a day.
But don’t listen to me, Madonna. I’m not a doctor, no matter how many drugs you accuse me of having. She is continuing to promote her album to anybody who wants to listen or anybody who is unlucky enough to leave their door unlocked — in this case, Ellen DeGeneres.
Madonna appeared on “Ellen” alongside Justin Bieber where they played a hilarious and revealing game of Never Have I Ever. Guess who had phone sex? Madonna and Ellen! Madonna had it when she called AARP and started moaning after they told her their unbeatable rates. Who has fooled around in a bathroom during a party? All three! Madonna did that when she fell in the tub, used Life Alert and then locked the first responders inside. Madonna also admitted she has forgotten the name of a person she was fooling around with. Hey! That’s no way to talk about the Queen of Pop, Britney Jean Spears!
But enough about Madonna, those visiting hours are over.
Let’s talk about something that is DOA: Donald Trump’s presidential bid. I honestly don’t understand this man. Is running for president the new reality TV? He’s making a joke of our democracy, which is already a joke as it is. Sit your ass down and keep your toupee in place.
Trump released a statement, saying, “I have a great love for our country, but it is a country that is in serious trouble. We have lost the respect of the entire world. Americans deserve better than what they get from their politicians — who are all talk and no action!” Says the man who turned television into a screaming match between Omarosa and Pierce Morgan. Trump then declared, “I am the only one who can make America truly great again!” So are the “Duck Dynasty” guys running for Senate yet or what?
(04/01/15 10:24pm)
By Johnanthony Alaimo
Columnist
Years from now, you’ll be gathered around the warm glow of whatever electronic Apple released that year, as you tell your grandkids where you were on that fateful day. Maybe you were writing a paper. Maybe you were on the elliptical. Maybe you were like me and former President George W. Bush, choking on a pretzel. Whatever you were doing, you’ll remember and never forget. You’ll know where you were when you found out that Zayn Malik was leaving One Direction.
We’ve been through this pain before. When Ginger left the Spice Girls, we knew the ’90s were over and that we were probably all going to die from Y2K. When Justin Timberlake left N*Sync, we knew that we would never get our fill of frosted tips ever again. Now that Zayn — arguably the Ginger of One Direction — has left, I can only wonder what other plagues God has in store for us.
FEMA has obviously been activated to ensure that everyone gets through this dire emergency. Please, avoid any room that houses a girl between the ages of six and 99 (we cannot be too careful). Have enough canned food, water, tissues and tour CDs for at least four months or until Zayn releases his solo album. We are living in a post-apocalyptic world, and we have to get used to it. From this day forward, the year will be recorded as AD-1D (After the Death of One Direction). Please change your calendars accordingly.
I will leave you all with this. Even when the lights seem the dimmest they’ve ever been and you can’t find it in yourself to put that One Direction-themed electric toothbrush in your mouth because it hurts too much, just know this: At least you were never a fan of The Wanted. Godspeed, everyone.
(03/23/15 8:30pm)
By Johnanthony Alaimo
Columnist
SAY GOODBYE TO OPRAH! Our Queen, savior and some will say our only hope, where is she going? To a better place. Which means out of Chicago. Now that her show has been off the air for years and HARPO Studios is transitioning to its new location in Hollywood, it’s time to say adieu.
The Hollywood Reporter quotes Winfrey saying, “(Chicago has) been everything for me. I’ve spent more hours in this building than I have any other building on Earth. We were here when there was nothing but hoes and rats on the street, and now it’s one of the hottest neighborhoods (in Chicago).”
Do you hear that, hoes and rats? You can return! The jig is up! A small number of the studio’s 200 employees will come with Oprah in her carry-on bag to L.A., while the rest will join the hoes and rats in their new digs. Everyone wins.
Britney Spears lost it a little at a show in Vegas last week when a clump of her hair extension fell off her head during her performance.
“Do you want a piece of me?” Britney lip-syncs. Yes, apparently we do. Brit kept on “dancing,” (slightly twitching) and kept on “singing,” (opening and closing her mouth) throughout the small snafu, leaving the hair to fall to the floor. Honestly, that piece of hair extension got down to the floor much quicker than Brit ever could, so it deserves a round of applause and maybe a round of gauze.
“House of Cards” made its debut on Netflix last week and is getting critical acclaim. I had the pleasure of not showering and watching all 13, one-hour episodes in a row, and let me tell you, I never reacted so badly to sunlight coming out of that binge. But the season is honestly spectacular. The show attempts to paint the cruel and malicious Frank Underwood as someone who perhaps deserves some sympathy this time around. Whether or not you are able to rile that feeling in yourself is up to you. All I know is I have an appointment at the hairstylist to get “The Claire.”
(03/10/15 2:06pm)
By Johnanthony Alaimo
Columnist
In not-news that should have been not-news years ago, Lady Gaga has joined the cast of “American Horror Story: Hotel,” the next itineration of garbage to grace our television screens.
Gags released a promo video of the upcoming season on her Twitter. In it, the real life American horror story stands in black and white with a garb over her head. She announces the upcoming season by raising her hand in her iconic “monster paw” and rips off her mask revealing, well, her. We all scream and fall down. Honestly, after last season’s “Freakshow,” which on a good day can be described as the Great Pacific Garbage Patch, how could anything be worse? Maybe, just maybe, Gags can act.
She did prove to us at the Oscars that she could still sing hella well, even if she considers wearing potato-peeling gloves as fashion. I guess you could say I’m ready to stay at the Lady Motel Hotel Holiday Inn. That is, if I don’t have to consider myself a Little Monster.
In other television news, “Dancing With the Stars” is returning with more questionable people dubbing themselves as “celebrities.” Sometimes, I think throwing “American Horror Story: Freakshow” on DVD into the air would constitute a better star than some of these people. But here are your contestants, I’ll try to explain why they’re famous as I go. Michael Sam (famous for being the first publicly gay NFL star and the reason why ESPN got so into gay sex), Rumer Willis (famous for being the daughter of Demi Moore and possibly having a crush on her ex-stepfather Ashton Kutcher), Suzanne Somers (famous for being on “Three’s Company” and for having a failed talk show on the LIFETIME NETWORK), Patti Labelle (famous for being an iconic singer and for throwing shade every which way), Willow Shields (famous for being in the “Hunger Games” films and for being in countless inappropriate fan-fictions), Charlotte McKinney (famous for being a model and disrespecting herself by eating a Carl’s Jr. burger on a car), Noah Galloway (famous for being a double amputee and serving our country), Riker Lynch (famous for being on “Glee” and for being forgotten for having been on “Glee”), Redfoo (famous for being one half of LMFAO and for ruining your senior prom), Nastia Liukin (famous for being a gold medal winning gymnast at the 2008 Beijing Olympic Games and for kicking some serious ass) and Robert Herjavec (famous for being a member of the “Shark Tank” crew and for ruining people’s dreams). Sounds like an all-star cast! Here’s hoping they will not be staying at the Gags Hotel during the competition.
(02/24/15 1:34am)
By Johnanthony Alaimo
Columnist
Love is in the air … hanging from a meat hook and trapped in a translucent egg. If that doesn’t make any sense, then that’s right — Lady Gaga is getting married. The pop star/modern-day witch is getting hitched. Her boyfriend, Taylor Kinney, proposed to Gags on Valentine’s Day. This just goes to show that there is hope for everyone. This marriage has to be unbreakable. There is literally NOTHING Gags can do to get Kinney to break up with her. What could possibly be worse than what she’s already done? I wish Gags the best and hope that she accepts my gracious gift of a blender. I’m just praying it’s not used in any “ARTPOP.”
There’s no hope for Vanilla Ice, though, as the former rapper/current incarcerated sucker has been arrested for allegedly robbing a foreclosed home next to the one he was renovating. Ice, real name Robert Matthew Van Winkle, was released from custody after being charged with stealing a pool heater and other pieces of furniture. Van Winkle has claimed the entire situation is just a “misunderstanding,” kind of like his whole career. Turns out, he’s filming a new TV series called “The Vanilla Ice Project” which sounds like a third grader’s entry in a science fair, but is actually Ice’s foray into “flipping homes.” Who wants to see Vanilla Ice renovate a home? What kind of Mad Libs shit is that? What’s next, Lou Bega is going to start fixing up classic cars? Save me.
Iggy Azalea is saving herself by taking a break from social media after saying that “the internet is the ugliest reflection of mankind there is.” I know, it’s because your music is downloadable on it! Seriously, Iggy, take a seat. You literally had a fight with Papa John’s Pizza over Twitter. Like respect yourself, why are you ordering Papa John’s? Was there no Domino’s in the area? Even a goddamn Pizza Hut. From now on, Iggy’s management will be running her accounts unless a message is signed “-IA.” So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, goodbye. Now that’s a good freestyle.
(02/18/15 6:53pm)
By Johnanthony Alaimo
Columnist
The reviews are IN! In what, I don’t want to know, considering we’re talking about “Fifty Shades of Grey.” But film critics have gone where only middle-aged women who sit on their spin-cycle dryers have gone before: erotica. How sexually explicit is this film? Can Dakota Fanning watch it? Can I eat cheese during it? I have a lot of questions.
Unfortunately, the critics only answered the first one for me. Claudia Puig of USA Today wrote, “…those looking for hot, kinky sex will be disappointed. Fewer than 15 of the movie’s 125 minutes feature sex scenes. Discussion of contracts and objections over line items outweigh erotica. Even the graphic nudity grows numbing.” Sounds to me like a commercial for erectile dysfunction is more sexy. The film is getting generally panned, spanked and whipped by the film-critic community. So much so that the movie had to use the safe word they agreed on. Poor “Fifty Shades!” Well, maybe it just needs a revamping, like a crossover. How’s “Fifty Shades of Avatar” sound?
?While movie lovers are dissing “Grey,” Jay-Z was doing a whole lot of dissing at the Grammys this past week. During the ceremony, Taylor Swift was seen with Jay-Z, allegedly asking him out to brunch. Apparently, Jay-Z seemed disinterested in Swift’s invite and nodded blankly in her direction while Swift kept screaming “brunch!” One does not simply ask Jay-Z out for brunch, Taylor! There are certain procedures you need to go through. Besides, if the “Partition” music video is any indication, Jay-Z likes a whole different type of brunch. Here’s hoping Jay-Z’s indifference inspires a T-Swift brunch song. I’ve taken the opportunity to write the first couple lines. “The eggs are not the only Benedict I see/’Cause there’s a traitor sitting right across from me/Please pour me another mimosa/Before I flip this table all over ya.”
And in shocking news, Jon Stewart has announced he will be stepping down from his post at “The Daily Show” later this year. Stewart has been at the helm of the program for over 15 years, beginning his stint in 1999. There is no word yet on who will replace Stewart’s big shoes, but I’ve heard that Brian Williams and Bill Cosby may be in need of some work.
(02/11/15 6:55pm)
By Johnathony Alaimo
Columnist
I love acronyms!!! LOL! SNL! RIP! Guess what, they all have something in common! I know, LOL and “SNL” in the same sentence? Outrageous! Well, it turns out Lorne Michaels, the father of “Saturday Night Live,” said he “wasn’t too sure” that the show could go on without him.
In a recent Hollywood Reporter interview, Michaels was quoted as saying, “I don’t know. I’m going to keep doing it as long as I possibly can because I love it and because it’s what I do. But there is more niche stuff (now). Us doing ‘Update’ and giving it 10 minutes in a 90-minute show was a big deal, but Comedy Central and Jon Stewart, none of that existed then. So things have fragmented.”
OK, LORNE. Fine, when you retire, take SNL with you. And then when you die, just BURY Keenan Thompson in your tomb too. Hell, why stop there. Just END THE WORLD. How could we go on without you, let alone “SNL.”
If you didn’t get enough of Katy Perry in the Superbowl, well prepare to overdose as the Missy Elliott restrictor/shark enthusiast performed at this year’s Grammys. But wait, what’s that sound? DUN DUN … DUN DUN … it’s the sound of a larger, more dominant predator lurking in the midst. LOOK OUT BEHIND YOU, KATY! Oh well, too late, you’re chum. Turns out Beyonce also performed at the Grammys, as well. She helped segue into the song “Glory” off the soundtrack from the Oscar-nominated picture “Selma.” So get off your dark high horse Perry.
Here’s a name you haven’t heard in a while: Hilton. Can you guess which one I’m talking about? Not Paris. Not even Nicky. It’s Conrad Hilton, the brother. What did he do that was so awful? Made a racist comment? Got a DUI? Watched “A Night in Paris?” Even worse. According to an affidavit, on a flight from London, Hilton allegedly “…became unruly, and in a series of tirades, he threatened to kill several flight attendants and a co-pilot and threatened to get them fired…”
Hilton also smoked pot and a cigarette on the flight. Wow, way to join the wrong kind of club while you’re in the air: the no-fly club. Hilton was arraigned on charges in Los Angeles and did not enter a plea, but he was released on an unsecured $100,000 bond. And we’re all worried about the Kardashians. Tsk tsk.
(02/04/15 3:32pm)
By Johnanthony Alaimo
Columnist
Do you like dancing to songs that have the word “anal” in them? How about ones that children sing? Well, you’re a very disturbed individual, but look no further than “Kidz Bop 27!” I can imagine a Kidz Bop executive sitting in his office screaming at his secretary, “How can we make “Kidz Bop 27” push the envelope even FURTHER??? What are all the kids into these days?” Well, apparently we got our answer.
In the Kidz Bop version of “All About That Bass” by Meghan Trainor (who is 2015’s version of Carly Rae Jepsen), they attempted to censor the word “booty” in the line “I’m bringing booty back,” but instead made it sound like they are saying “I’m bringing anal back,” which I’m pretty sure was the working title of Justin Timberlake’s song at some point. What the kids are really trying to say is, “I’m bringing it all back,” but as all children do, they fuck shit up. So please, for hopefully the first time in your life, go pick up a copy of “Kidz Bop 27.” You will not be disappointed. Well you will. But it’s funny to laugh at the word “anal.”
It’s also funny watching Arnold Schwarzenegger do, well, anything. The actor/former overlord of California is starring in the new “Terminator” film called “Terminator: Genisys.” A 30-second ad spot has been released which played during the Superbowl. If you ever wanted to watch a governor jump out of a helicopter and didn’t want to wait for Chris Christie to do it, well here’s your chance. The film looks like any other past “Terminator” film has, except now Arnold is old. Like really old. They explain this strange appearance as the result of his “cybernetic skin” aging. But there are plenty of murderous cyborgs who get rid of their wrinkles — just look at Courteney Cox! I’m not buying this, sorry. The next installment of the robo franchise will be released July 1, 2015, just in time to have something to talk about with your straight uncle at the next family Fourth of July barbeque.
And Justin Bieber released a video “apologizing” for his behavior. Who cares, jump out of a plane, bye.
(01/28/15 9:13pm)
By Johnanthony Alaimo
Columnist
As we emerge from hibernation this winter, we do so with heavy hearts (filled with saturated fats), full bladders and a dead computer battery. OK, maybe that’s just me. But I KNOW I had a better holiday season than Jennifer Aniston. All she had was “Cake.”
Let’s start off this column this semester the right way—with well researched stories and hard-hitting facts. Or we could talk about LINDSAY LOHAN BEING HOSPITALIZED WITH A RARE VIRUS. I’m down with exploring the latter. Lindsay is now the most famous person to contract CHIKUNGUNYA, which sounds like a flavor of Hamburger Helper but is actually a rare and incurable virus transmitted by mosquitos.
The actress/current viral incubator traveled to Bora Bora where she got Mora Mora than she bargained for. The disease unfortunately causes severe joint pain and a high fever, but I guess that’s better than being in Jamie Lee Curtis’s body where you would feel all of that plus an unstoppable urge to eat yogurt until you shit yourself.
Lindsay is not letting this jungle fever get in the way of her enjoying her new life, however, as she Instagrammed a photo of herself with the caption, “I refuse to let a virus (affect) my peaceful vacation.” The picture shows Lindsay leaning against a wall with severe duckface. Medical experts are baffled as to what is causing the facial distortion. I wish you the best though, Lindsay! If you survived “I Know Who Killed Me,” you can get through this!
While Lindsay caters to her biggest fans (mosquitos), Justin Bieber is simply trying to get people to like him. Comedy Central has announced plans to roast the Biebs, unfortunately not Bora Bora pig style though. It will be a traditional roasting in which fellow celebrities and comedians get to rip Justin a new asshole. Hopefully we get to see that in the next Calvin Klein ad.
Apparently, Bieber has wanted this all along, tweeting that he has been wanting it “for years” but that Comedy Central wanted him to provide more “source material” first. So that’s why you egged your neighbors’ house, drove recklessly and assaulted a man, amongst other silly things. It all makes sense now and is definitely worth it. Hopefully they roast Miranda Cosgrove next! That bitch.
But if roasts are not your thing, maybe geopolitically controversial films with dick jokes are! “The Interview” is premiering on Netflix Saturday, Jan. 24, so if you want to see the Seth Rogen film that caused a cyber terror attack and plunged the world into a debate about free speech which only the most Oscar-worthy films could vie for, go right ahead and press play. I streamed the film upon it’s release to online services and let me tell you, if this movie had caused World War III resulting in my death, I would have DEMANDED a refund. I’d rather die watching something much more engaging, like “Big Momma’s House.” Now that was a film worth fighting for. It had everything: justice, family values and spanx. God bless.
(12/04/14 10:43pm)
By Johnanthony Alaimo
Columnist
Last week, a new trailer made its premiere featuring terrifying genetic mutations, people playing God, reptilian skin and immense danger. No, it’s not a teaser for “Keeping Up With the Kardashians.” It’s the trailer for the upcoming fourth installment of the Jurassic Park franchise, “Jurassic World.”
The snippet, which is just over two minutes long, features some long time favorites such as the fearsome velociraptors and majestic brontosauruses, but some new monsters as well, such as a large aquatic dinosaur which eats a great white shark in one bite. I haven’t seen appetites like that since watching the now-canceled “Honey Boo-Boo.”
This time around, it seems science has (shockingly) gone a little too far and developed a new “hybrid” dinosaur which, of course, escapes while people are in the park, leaving everyone responsible for the disaster standing around in disbelief wondering, “How could this have happened?” Well, for starters, you purposefully created a giant demon lizard with razor-sharp teeth, and for shits and giggles, made it incredibly intelligent. But who’s pointing fingers (claws?) here. The movie stars Chris Pratt, who has quickly become one of Hollywood’s leading men. “Jurassic Parks and Recreation” comes to theaters this summer.
While returning to the Jurassic period may be a little too nostalgic for some (like for Madonna), how about looking back 10 years ago when Lizzie McGuire went off the air? Time sure does fly when you’re not watching the sexual tension between Gordo and Lizzie. In a recent interview, Hilary Duff was asked what she thought Lizzie would be up to today. Turns out, according to Duff, she’d still be wearing butterfly clips in her hair. Some things never change. Apparently she’d also not be married to Gordo and be a part of the “office grind.” You know, now that you mention it, Dunder-Mifflin could have used more Lizzie. Lizzie Halpert anyone?
But if you like your TV shows the way they are and like your family to be at least an entire house floor away from you, then maybe Netflix is your destination this holiday season. For December 2014, the online streaming service has released new titles for your enjoyment and gluttony. Classic films such as “American Beauty” will be added along with more recent favorites such as “Anchorman 2,” “Sharknado 2,” “The Wolf of Wall Street” and whatever “Jewtopia” is (I looked “Jewtopia” up and apparently it’s a 2012 Jennifer Love-Hewitt romcom. I screamed).
But if binge-watching TV shows is more your thing, “American Horror story: Coven” will hit Netflix as well. Watch Kathy Bates be a racist and Jessica Lange chain-smoke for as long as you want. It beats watching a yule log.
(10/22/14 10:30pm)
By Johnanthony Alaimo
Columnist
YAAAAASS GAGA, SLAY ME IN VITRO is probably what a Lady GaGa fan is saying right now after the Queen of Flopping commented that she wants to have lots of kids. Gags said, “I want to have tons of kids, actually ... I think at least three. I really want to have a family, and I really want to nurture my children and inspire (them).” Well can you start off raising sea monkeys first and if you don’t eat/try to wear them, I can maybe let you do what you want with your body. Gags as a mother is an interesting concept. The child’s first words will probably be “MA-MA-MAMAMA,” it’ll learn to walk in lobster heels at 2 years old and will probably try to consume Blue Ivy at 3 years old to absorb her powers. After some thought, I welcome a Gags baby. Maybe she’ll go into a cocoon for a few years to incubate. It will serve us all well.
Get ready to never leave your room. Not because of the fear of Ebola, ISIS or Shia LeBeouf, but because “Friends” will finally be available for streaming on Netflix. No longer do you need to steal your friends’ expansive DVD collection or watch an episode on a seedy website next to an ad that’s promoting some erectile enhancement. Soon you will be able to enjoy the entire gang in some real comfort. Watch Joey get his head stuck in a doorframe in the park. Watch Phoebe sing a nonsensical song under the table during family dinner. Watch Rachel and Ross cry over each other while you cry over a tub of ice cream in your room, you loser. You can do whatever you want! The show will debut on Netflix in 2015, the Year of our Lorde.
Want to learn a new language? Forget Spanish, French, or Italian. Throw that Rosetta Stone into the gutter. Download the “Dothraki Companion” app and learn the language only fictional characters speak on “Game of Thrones.” Amaze your friends with your ability to both speak another language and your ability to waste hours of your life learning it. Confuse your taxi driver by giving him directions in Dothraki and, when he tells you he doesn’t understand, simply say “Dracarys.” Talk about your enemies right in front of them without them knowing! They’ll think you’re having a stroke. The possibilities are endless, or as they say in Dothraki ... actually I don’t know because I’m not downloading the damn app. I’m too busy trying to match up with people on Binger, the new app that brings you together with people who like things in excess, like TV, food and misery.
(10/07/14 3:20pm)
By Johnanthony Alaimo
Columnist
Oh, what a week to be off the roads. Celebrities love using abbreviations. Sometimes it’s “OMG,” “LOL” or, most recently, “DUI.” There should be an emoji of that depicting just Lindsay Lohan behind a wheel. Former dancing lobster enthusiast and current incarceration fanatic Amanda Bynes has once again been arrested for driving under the influence. The influence of what is unknown, but it is most definitely not soulful jazz music. Bynes has been under the radar for most of the year, but she decided to pop out her periscope into some weed or something, mon. I had such high hopes for her, too. Was that a pun? Ugh. Whatever.
Unfortunately, Michael Phelps, famed Olympian in both the 100-meter butterfly and the 10-meter walk-and-turn on Interstate 95, was also arrested for a DUI this past week in Baltimore, Md. Phelps is the most decorated Olympian of all time, and I’m wondering if he flashed any of his medals at his arresting officer. Phelps has since sincerely apologized for his reckless action on social media. Whether or not we accept his apology is contingent on whether or not his mugshot was him in a speedo.
Sean “Whatever His Name is Now” Combs gushed over his former girlfriend Jennifer Lopez in a recent interview with Access Hollywood Live, in which he said the singer’s booty was unparalleled to no other, even that of Kim Kardashian. I am so happy our media has been reduced to comparing people’s booties. Let’s not compare our floundering education system with other possibilities. Let’s not compare different ideas about social equality. Let’s compare some booty. I knew listening to the opinion of large snakes was a bad idea.
And to wrap things up, you can see Ben Affleck’s penis in his new movie “Gone Girl,” so go watch that or something.
(10/01/14 5:47pm)
By Johnanthony Alaimo
Columnist
I believe Kardashian and divorce have become synonyms. In another Kardashian-style heartbreak, Bruce and Kris Jenner have called it quits after 22 years of marriage, TV cameras and an insurmountable quest for fame. The pair has already been living apart for 11 months now. By “apart,” it is unclear if that means Bruce lived in another home or simply moved to the other side of the house.
The soon-to-be exes are still very much involved in their two young daughters lives, as well as their Vine careers, I’m assuming. (If you have not seen Kylie Jenner’s Vine account yet, please waste some valuable time of your life and do so). So re-start the “___ Days With No Kardashian Divorce” counter. And start placing bets (I give it 60 days).
Lindsay Lohan is hungry, probably physically because cocaine only has so many calories, but professionally as well. The “actress” pitched an idea for “Mean Girls 2” to writer Tina Fey when Lohan met with her (AKA broke into her apartment). Apparently, Lohan wants the story to pick up years later and follow the clique of women who have turned into housewives and are “cheating.” Wow, incredible. Too bad that idea already took off in the form of “Desperate Housewives.”
A “Mean Girls 2” actually does exist. However, it is painful and awful, and the mere fact it calls itself a sequel is actually offensive. My opinion? “Mean Girls” needs a sequel as much as Lindsay deserves an Oscar.
America’s royal baby has arrived. Chelsea Clinton, the daughter of former President Bill Clinton and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, delivered her bundle of joy on Friday night. Another Clinton in the world is just what I need in this life of sin. People are also talking about how Secretary Clinton’s new role as grandma will affect her future political ambitions. But if the grandma stereotype is real, then I expect her to spoil us rotten. Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses … and $20 every Sunday. Thanks, grandma.
(09/24/14 8:52pm)
By Johnanthony Alaimo
Columnist
You see that Katy Perry album on your desk? Throw it out the window. You see your laptop? Delete everything on it. You see your roommate? Punch her in the face. NOTHING matters anymore because the Queen B and Jay-Z are collaborating on another album. After looking up what collaborating means (it’s not as sexy as you would think), the unstoppable duo are working on a whole bunch of new music together set to be released in late 2014 or early 2015. YAAAAASS! Drop that album on our heads and make us bleed! I’m hoping it magically appears in my iTunes library like the U2 album, but this time I’ll actually have a smile on my face rather than a confused and disgusted scowl. Not many other details exist about the upcoming collection, but Bey fans are batshit crazy, and they’d buy an album filled with heavy breathing and the sound of Blue Ivy shitting herself so it doesn’t really matter.
In his latest barrage of douchebaggery, Kanye West once again proves himself the king. In a concert in Sydney, Australia, Kanye reportedly told the crowd, “I can’t do this show until everybody stand up – unless you got a handicap pass and you get special parking and shit.” Someone with the gall to go to a Kanye West show in a wheelchair though faced his wrath. After everyone was standing up, a lone individual in a wheelchair was left, you guessed it, sitting. Kanye once again stopped his show to have his bodyguard confirm that the person indeed could not stand up, no matter how “good” his music really was. I don’t know about you, but actually demanding people stand up, regardless of a disability or not, is pure narcissism. If I don’t want to stand up, I’m not going to. Of course, if I were to pull such a thing at a Kanye West show, I would probably be mobbed to death. But at least I’d go protecting my values … at a Kanye West concert.
News flash: Nick Jonas no longer wears a purity ring, but I figured that was a given. Remember back in the day when the trio of Jonases all wore matching cockblockers? Well, Nick and Joe don’t do that anymore. The only brother to successfully go through with it was Kevin Jonas, who lost his virginity on his wedding night. He must be so pissed off. Nick, on the other hand, explained that he changed as an individual but that his heart is still in the church. But honestly, I’m more concerned about where other parts of his body are.
(09/16/14 5:15pm)
By Johnanthony Alaimo
Columnist
Rejoice my British friends and girls who have a “Keep Calm and Carry On” poster in their dorm rooms: Our favorite duchess is pregnant again. No, not Fergie. The other one. Kate Middleton is once again with child. Yes, she is carrying a bundle of joy that is causing her to vomit like she’s in “The Exorcist.” Unfortunately, she is suffering from the same violent morning sickness she went through with George, her firstborn. Otherwise, she could not be happier. The rest of the royal family is also in high spirits, even Prince Harry, who, with the birth of the new child, will be knocked down a peg in the line of succession from fourth to fifth. No word yet if a play date will be arranged with the new child and Blue Ivy, but sources close to the royal couple say that, as commoners, they are terrified of contacting Beyoncé.
And Jesus said, “Thou shall throw no shade lest you be never had drama.” Or maybe that was Tyra Banks. Quotes aside, Taylor Swift has been talking trash in the latest edition of Rolling Stone. Apparently, a fellow pop star was the inspiration of her song “Bad Blood,” which appears on her upcoming album “1989.” Here’s the extended quote: “For years, I was never sure if we were friends or not. She would come up to me at awards shows and say something and walk away, and I would think, ‘Are we friends, or did she just give me the harshest insult of my life?’ Then last year, the other star crossed a line. She did something so horrible, I was like, ‘Oh, we’re just straight-up enemies.’ And it wasn’t even about a guy!” Turns out the “star” (and I use that term lightly), is none other than Katy Perry, best known for singing about plastic bags and sounding like she’s singing out of one. Whatever Perry did, she better thank God Swift is done with country right now or she’d have tractor trailer marks all down her back.
And in more marriage news, Neil Patrick Harris and David Burtka married in a secret ceremony in Italy. First Beyoncé dropping an unannounced album, then Neil marrying his husband in secret, it’s like celebrities want privacy or something! Pft. Well, congrats to the happy couple. I wish them years of bliss, merriment and terrifying moments of asking each other whether or not they shut off the oven when they’re out.
(09/09/14 4:45am)
By Johnanthony Alaimo
Columnist
In a sad twist, Britney Spears’s boyfriend, David Lucado, cheated on her. Most of you probably didn’t even know she was dating, and a small minority of you probably thought Britney has been dead for a few years. Well, put your ignorance to rest. Brit-Brit will not let any man (except maybe a municipal judge, her father and a doctor) put her down. She is a strong, independent woman free to make none of her own decisions.
She is ready for the single life, as she exclaimed at one of her Vegas shows: “OMG, OMG, I need a hot guy! Where are the hot guys here tonight?” When she said this, I know in my heart that my fellow homosexuals were willing to put themselves up for her. Whatever the reason David Lucado did what he did (because Britney lip-synced sex) is not important. I’m proud of you, Britney. Reach for the stars (but ask permission from your parent/legal guardian first).
But not all is hopeless when it comes to love in Hollywood. The infamous power couple of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have finally tied the knot (as well as the noose around Jennifer Aniston’s emotional stability). The couple secretly married in a ceremony in France.
Jennifer Aniston could not be reached for comment because she was too busy burning a carton of Rachel wigs she found in Jimmy Kimmel’s house. I wish Brad and Angelina the best as they continue to take over the world. God bless the Illuminati.
Score 1 for Brad and Angie, but Michael Sam, the first openly gay player in the NFL, also has something to celebrate. After being released from the St. Louis Rams this past week, aspirations for Sam to emerge on the field seemed as hopeless as Meg Ryan becoming a movie star again. However, the Dallas Cowboys came to the rescue and signed Sam to their team for the upcoming season.
Sam will be on the team’s practice squad and will hopefully improve their weakened defensive line. The addition of Michael Sam to the NFL roster is certainly historic, and I cannot wait until the movie version of it hits theaters, because I am not watching actual football.