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(10/15/13 3:34pm)
It’s official folks. There is no hope for love and matrimony now that Kris and Bruce Jenner are calling it quits. Kris and Bruce are ending their 22-year marriage after realizing they were married for 22 years and not 22 minutes, which is unlike a Kardashian.
Honestly, I think the real reason is that Bruce saw Kris’s daytime talk show and immediately decided that he was more of a “The View” fan — Whoopi ain’t called “Whoopi” for nothing.
The two have released a statement saying the split is amicable and that the two will remain “best of friends.” I love it when divorcing couples say they will stay “best friends.” Like bitch please, you are not going to call him up and ask him to go to Taco Bell with you. Get real. That’s what you get when you keep up with the Kardashians. That show should just be re-named “Pre-nup with the Kardashians.”
There is, however, hope for friendship as Sinead O’Connor and Miley Cyrus are just the best of pen pals. Sinead O’Connor, best known for ripping up a picture of the Pope while on “SNL” in the ’90s, once again demonstrated her public relations skills by penning a few open letters directed to Miley. In them, Sinead complains that Miley is allowing herself to be “pimped” and oversexualized for the sake of the music industry. Miley replied that she does not have time to respond to Sinead’s letters since she is hosting “SNL.” Sinead did not take that lightly and wrote ANOTHER letter claiming Miley was making fun of mental illness and should apologize to Amanda Bynes. Yes. Yeah. Mhm. This is all happening. I literally can’t believe this. It BLOWS my mind. It’s so hard to comprehend … that people are still writing letters. Sinead, have you heard of email?
Another person going berserk these days is Eminem, who was elated that his daughter was crowned homecoming queen in her Michigan high school. Eminem, however, did not want to cause a scene at the school and instead opted to watch his daughter’s crowning from inside the school. Eminem has stated that he is “a father before a rapper.”
It’s good to know he’ll first say, “I love you,” to his daughter rather than, “caught her stealin’ my music, so I tied her arms and legs to the bed. Set up the camera, pissed twice on her. Look, two pees and a tripod!”
(10/08/13 4:36pm)
You. Better. WORK. So says Britney, and we all know how hard she works, so you better listen.
Miss Britney Spears released the music video for her new (hit?) single, “Work Bitch,” last week. And let me tell you, she worked as much as someone in 1929. What I’m trying to say is it was a tad lackluster and nothing comparable to the Britney I used to pray to in 2003. I mean, I guess the government shutdown extended to the choreography in the video? It just wasn’t there! Yeah, we get Britney squatting in a desert with a car racing behind her, but we got that in “Breaking Bad” too, and I don’t think they called it dancing. I’ve gotta say, though, she looks HOT. There are just a few questions I have. Like, why was she dancing in sweatpants? Why was she in a pool of sharks? Why didn’t the sharks have laser beams? Regardless, Britney is back and she is here to WORK. (Except between the hours of 12 a.m. and 11:30 p.m., with a lunch break at 11:45).
Other people who are doing odd jobs include Justin Bieber’s bodyguards. Pictures surfaced showing the singer/shirt-hater being carried up the Great Wall of China by two of his bodyguards.
First off, that wall needs some revamping if Bieber can get on it. Second, how pompous can you get? If he had time, I bet he would have installed an escalator. It’s like he’s actively TRYING to make the world hate him by doing stupid shit he knows would infuriate people. Well, we won’t give in to your GAMES, BIEBER. WE LOVE YOU. HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT.
And if you need any reason to stay in your room and never come out, Paris Hilton is releasing more music. Because remember how well it was received the first time around? The reality star turned (what is she even doing these days, honestly?) has a new song with Lil Wayne out called “Good Time,” which I’m sure is ironic. I could have listened to the song, but I was too busy enjoying my hearing.
(10/01/13 4:43pm)
People, and by people I mean the two who watched the 2013 Emmys, are going wild over Merritt Weaver’s acceptance speech. The actress, who won Best Supporting Actress in a Comedy Series for her role on “Nurse Jackie,” delivered a memorable speech last Sunday.
Upon hearing her name, Weaver walked on stage and said, “Thank you…thank you so much…um, I gotta go. Bye.”
Perfection.
It’s so good that Miley Cyrus should tattoo it on her feet.
Some people criticized Weaver’s speech as being a mockery of her award. But, bitch please. Any award show is a mockery of an award. Weaver did us all a favor, grabbed the damn thing and made way. She didn’t want to waste time thanking her mother, Jesus and the guy at the Kraft Foods table who looked like Jesus if you squinted your eyes a little bit. I applaud Weaver on delivering, what I believe, was the best acceptance speech ever made.
Meanwhile in Bravo TV wasteland, Melissa Gorga, a “Real Housewives of New Jersey” cast member, has written a book called “Love Italian Style,” which explains why her marriage to her husband is so successful and how you, too, can land the meatball of your dreams. A lovely excerpt is as follows: “Men, I know you think your woman isn’t the type who wants to be taken. But trust me, she is. Every girl wants to get her hair pulled once in a while. If your wife says ‘no,’ turn her around and rip her clothes off. She wants to be dominated. Women don’t realize how easy men are. Just give us what we want.”
What many would define as rape is candidly tossed in a pot of ignorance, set to boil, by Ms. Gorga. Basically, forget about everything Susan B. Anthony worked for in the early 20th century. That hairy feminist just needed her hair pulled to be happy. So ladies, next time you say no, just remember, that just might not cut it. So in that event, you should cut it. Like Oprah almost did back in 2012.
Oh, you didn’t hear? Oprah Winfrey almost suffered a nervous breakdown, according to herself. Speaking to “Access Hollywood,” the TV mogul and Illuminati member revealed she had too much on her plate last year. Between her struggling network, OWN, and her acting career, Oprah realized she was doing too much. I mean, she probably forgot to feed Stedman. Oprah eventually reeled it back in and got everything under control, so don’t you worry. We won’t see her running through the streets naked (thank the Lord Almighty) or sniffing lines of coke off Lindsay Lohan’s mugshots. Now, Oprah is getting just the right amount of stimulation. And Gayle rejoiced.
(09/24/13 5:11pm)
If you’re wondering whatever happened to Jon Gosselin, just ask for a glass of water the next time you go to a restaurant. He might get it for you.
The former reality TV star is now a waiter at the Black Dog in Beckersville, Pa. The “Jon and Plate Plus Table for Eight” star has to pay the bills somehow. At first, he was nervous about people recognizing him. But he chalked it up to the people at least knowing him already. And since they know he has eight children, hopefully they’re a little generous with the tip. Gosselin is also apparently living in a cabin in the woods with no Internet or TV. That’s the sweet, unmatched, Unabomber kind
While all is well with Jon serving early-bird specials, things between certain former lovebirds are not. Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth have called off their engagement and officially broke up. So officially, it seems Liam is already smooching with another woman. No, it’s not Robin Thicke. Liam was spotted with Mexican actress/singer, Eiza Gonzalez. Meanwhile, Miley was spotted canoodling with a sledgehammer. I’m glad they’ve both moved on.
Finally, it has been revealed that Zac Efron completed a stint in rehab five months ago. Conflicting reports are emerging why the star went to get help — everything from drinking to doing heroin was claimed. I don’t believe any of it. I think the real reason Zac went to rehab was because he could not stop dancing. Ever since “High School Musical 3,” he just never stopped tapping his foot, never stopped gearing up for the next big musical number. He could not even get through brunch without dancing to the waiter’s specials. But now he’s OK. And now he can finally sit through Jon Gosselin’s dinner combos.
(09/17/13 3:34pm)
Remember that time Miley Cyrus grossed me out? Oh wait, let me be more specific. In her latest venture in all things sleazy and a little queasy, Miley released the music video for her latest single, “Wrecking Ball.” While the song itself is actually a pretty decent ballad, the music video is a not-so-decent tossed salad.
The video basically focuses on Miley LICKING a sledgehammer. That ain’t Liam Hemsworth, girl! Licking a sledgehammer is some kinky Gallagher shit that I do not subscribe to. I’m pretty sure I’ve seen Miley’s tongue more than her dentist has, and that’s a problem. Keep that thing in.
In the video, she goes on to swing naked on a wrecking ball — because why not? Miley’s antics have gone so far that they might have even cost her a Vogue cover. Apparently, Vogue Editor-in-Chief Anna Wintour was so turned off by her VMA performance that she canceled Miley’s cover. Be careful, Ms. Wintour. Miley has shown what she could do with a sledgehammer. And it’s not pretty.
In some social media news, Twitter is releasing an IPO! No, it’s not a rap album. It’s an Initial Public Offering, which means that Twitter is looking to become a publicly shared company. That’s right. YOU can own a piece of the Twitter universe. And who wouldn’t want to own things like, “Nite! Eyes closing. SO TIRED” (@cher). Truly amazing. Since this is only a step toward the stock market, there is no known value to how much a single stock holding will be. But we don’t have to look too far into the past to see how social media fared on Wall Street with Facebook’s initial foray in 2012 being a complete disaster. I don’t know about you guys, but I’m still waiting for LiveJournal to give it a go.
And to end on a light note, Nicole Kidman was knocked to the floor on an NYC sidewalk. Aw. The actress was apparently struck by a paparazzo on a bike, and she took a tumble. The biker was charged with reckless driving, and Nicole Kidman was charged with reckless acting. (I still haven’t gotten over “The Golden Compass.”)
(09/10/13 4:27pm)
The Queen of Pop and Pop Rocks herself, Miss Britney Spears, is counting down to something. On her official Facebook page and website, the singer has had a countdown for a couple of weeks now, hinting that something will be revealed on Tuesday, Sept. 17. Speculation is running wild, but most seem to believe she’ll reveal her eighth studio album on that date. However, I think we should give room to more theories. Maybe it’s a countdown to the end of time (Britney did say keep on dancing until the world ends, and she has not been dancing). Or perhaps it’s a slow tick toward Britney and JT getting back together. I still believe. Whatever it may be, I just hope Britney remembers to wake up to tell us what it is.
If you’re still watching “Dancing with the Stars,” the wait is finally over.
The new cast has been revealed! Headliners include Snooki, Valerie Harper, Leah Remini, Jack Osborne, Keyshawn Johnson, Christina Milan, Amber Riley, Elizabeth Berkley Lauren, Bill Engvall, Corbin Bleu, Brant Daugherty and BILL NYE THE SCIENCE GUY. I’m definitely rooting for the man who taught me everything I know about science from ’90s AV equipment. Other stars I’m excited to see dance are Corbin “Cordon” Bleu and Jack Osborne. Hopefully Jack doesn’t bring any of his father’s bats to the set.
Just in case your childhood wasn’t as dead as Lil Kim’s career, here’s another blow — Dakota Fanning has a boyfriend. That’s not even the worst part. He’s 32 years old. First of all, you’re probably screaming right now. Partly because you think Dakota Fanning is 7 years old. Wrong. She’s a blooming 19. That’s right. Our favorite child actress is no longer a child (or even an actress?) All I know is, she has grown up fast and is touting around a guy that could teach her geometry. (Does she know geometry yet?)
(09/03/13 7:04pm)
It’s a bird! It’s a plane! Oh no, it’s just Ben Affleck piggybacking on Matt Damon.
The Academy Award winner and star of hit films like “Gigli,” is donning the Caped Crusader’s gear as the next star to portray the superhero. And a lot of people are not amused. Shortly after Warner Brothers announced Affleck’s role as Batman in the next Superman film, the world went up in smoke. There was even a time that the hashtag “BetterBatmanThanBenAffleck” trended on Twitter. Honestly, if you ask me, Ben Affleck’s beard would make a great Batman. After all, the man tangled with one of the greatest villains in reality: Jennifer Lopez. I’m sure he can handle himself.
We have much darker issues to worry about anyway. Like the Miley Cyrus performance at the VMAs where she twerked against a bunch of stuffed bears. Listen honey, the last time a teddy got that nasty was in “Toy Story 3” and that did not end well. I mean, there was more bear and ass I than a Charmin commercial! Please, do not mistake my disdain for slut shaming. There is a way a woman can show her body in a sexy fashion and still be classy. Miley Cyrus failed to do that. Her performance was raunchy and crude at best. She should have taken a lesson from none other than Miss Britney Spears. Spears was and some may argue (I may argue) still is a pioneer in the art of sensual performing. She skipped sticking out her tongue and shoving a foam finger in between her legs. Do not even dare try to say Britney’s 2001 VMA performance was anything but the best. She not only made it clear she was the HBIC, but she also turned a lot of us into reptile enthusiasts.
What better way to end this column than with exciting sex tape news? This one will not come as a surprise. Kris and Bruce Jenner apparently made such a film, much to the horror of humanity. Honest to God, this family has made more sex tapes than wedding videos. So hang around Google for the next few weeks because I’m sure it’ll turn up. Because if the Kardashian family is good at anything, it’s leaking.
(08/27/13 5:17pm)
Hello friends, haters and people using this section of the newspaper as a loincloth. I am your disgraceful columnist, Johnanthony Alaimo, ready to bring you up-to-date gossip on everything mundane and Danity Kane. (There is no news on Danity Kane. Shocking.)
However, unfortunately, there is news on Katy Perry. Hey Katy, you’re starting to look a little Winona Ryder these days. The pop star has once again been accused of theft, with her new single, “Roar,” reportedly sounding a lot like Sara Bareilles’s song, “Brave.” Go ahead and judge for yourself. I just wish Katy would have stolen “Express Yourself” by Madonna. There is no comment from Perry as of yet because she has not found the time to steal a comment from someone else. As for Bareilles, all she’s said about the controversy is, “All love, everybody. All love.” I’m glad Sara is taking this so gently.
However, someone else has decided to skip the gentle cycle and jump right ahead to “rip my hair out and repeat.” Of course, I’m talking about Lady Gaga’s new album. ARTPOP has ARTDROPPED and it remains to be seen if it’ll ARTFLOP. Both Gaga and Perry have their albums coming out in close succession of each other, with Perry’s due in late October and Gaga’s in early November. Gaga’s first single off her latest venture is called “Applause.” With groundbreaking lyrics like, “I live for the applause, applause, applause I live for the applause-plause, live for the applause-plause.” It’s a given that she loves the cut and paste function. Be wary of a chart war in the coming months as Perry and Gaga fight it out to be number one while Sara Bareilles is off in a corner somewhere loving something.
There’s no love on Twitter though as Perez Hilton and Gaga are in a feud. I would yawn but I’m too busy already being asleep. The two twits apparently got heated up after Perez shared a video with his followers in which he said “Applause” was “… so unrelatable. This song is all about her. It’s a few steps backwards, I’m really disappointed.” Gaga immediately thrusted herself out of the cocoon. I’m 100 +percent positive she was in, cooed, had a BM, and then tweeted, “Please monsters, do not be affected by someone like this NOTHING merits this kind of hatred. Im ok & I always survive. Ignore him. Just Dance.” After this latest exchange, Perez remembered he was a father and immediately had his child sit down on the keyboard and tweet, “kjshfwluieho qwheoqiw 98u3nbhj” which roughly translates to “Fuck off, Gaga.”
I wish someone would have a Twitter feud with me. Go and follow me @JohnantFatale. You will be VERY disappointed that you did.
Jessica Simpson Baby Watch!: J. Simps is not pregnant … for now.
(04/30/13 4:48pm)
By Johnanthony Alaimo
Columnist
Here’s a headline you didn’t expect to see! “Eggs, milk, sack of potatoes, 10 boxes of hot pockets.” Whoops, accidentally copy-pasted my grocery list. Let’s try this again. “Reese Witherspoon arrested for disorderly conduct after traffic stop.”
Shocking. I can’t believe it. How could you stoop so low Reese and copy Amanda Bynes? Can’t you have your own identity without infringing on one of our most beloved national products? Amanda has worked so, so hard on her mental breakdown. She doesn’t need you flying down an interstate topless. She’s got that base covered.
In the police report, it states that a vehicle was spotted driving erratically on a road in Atlanta. When stopped, Reese’s husband James Toth was behind the wheel and while the cops were doing a sobriety test on him, Reese went nuts. When she was being cuffed, she allegedly yelled, “Do you know who I am?”
Well, yes, Ms. Witherspoon, we do know who you are. A DIRTY, ROTTEN COPYCAT! I rest my case.
But open up the monkey court because we have a case of chimp abandonment. Remember when Justin Bieber left his monkey in Germany and promised he would come back to retrieve her?
Well, turns out Justin is not coming back. Ever. Justin’s handlers have told German officials to just find a new home for Mally, as the monkey is called.
Um, what? You can’t just leave a monkey behind, Justin! That’s like the Kardashians leaving behind Khloe! You are dealing with a living, breathing animal, not a toy. This is not a Furby, you twit! Karl Heinz Joachim, head of the center where Mally is staying, said that this is actually for the best for Mally, as being on a world tour is no place for a primate. Mally needs to be swinging from the trees, not keeping an eye out for Selener.
Oh, finally, a story not about Justin Bieber. Oops, sorry that was a typo and a lapse of sanity on my part because this is, in fact, another addition of Justin Bieber’s public meltdown.
While in Stockholm, Sweden, Bieber’s tour bus was searched and a small amount of narcotics and a taser were found. No, no, no, Bieber! You were supposed to go Nordic, not narcotic. While the materials were confiscated, nobody is being charged with possession since the bus was empty at the time of the search.
(I apologize for my column constantly featuring Bieber antics. I just can’t resist. God knows what this delinquent will do next. Probably next week he’ll be caught poaching.)
Jessica Simpson Baby Watch!!!: Jessica has asked Jesus to take the pregnancy wheel.
(04/23/13 4:00pm)
There are a number of things I enjoy. I love a good pecan, I cannot get enough of Julia Child, and I am in love with downward spirals, namely, Justin Bieber’s. Recently, the twit decided to immerse himself in some history. Instead of turning on the History Channel to watch a special on Ancient Aliens like he should have done, he visited the Anne Frank House in Amsterdam. As per experience, guests can write in a book about their experience visiting the somber memorial. Justin, being the gracious angel that he is, wrote the following: “Truly inspiring to be able to come here. Anne was a great girl. Hopefully she would have been a belieber.” Yes, Justin. If Anne Frank had survived the Nazi genocide, she would have DEDICATED EVERY WAKING MOMENT TO JUSTIN FANDOM and not advocating for peace and equality. No. It would have been all about Justin Bieber pillowcases, scratch and sniff Justin Bieber stickers and, of course, Justin Bieber beach towels. Your monkey you left in Germany is glad he was confiscated so he can get away from your offensive presence. But don’t worry, I’m sure everyone in history would have been a Belieber. If President Lincoln had survived John Wilkes Booth’s bullet to his head, he would have been a Belieber. He would have clothed himself in immense Bieber memorabilia. If Princess Diane hadn’t died in that French tunnel, she would have been a Belieber. And let’s not get started on John Lennon. In death, all we can hope for is that we go to Heaven where we are surrounded by our Lord and Canadian, Justin Bieber. I belieb.
And just when you thought the Twitter war between One Direction and The Wanted was bad, wait until you hear about this. Ciara (most famous for her single, “One, Two Step,” and being employee of the month at Ruby Tuesday), is taking digs at Rihanna online. The singer tweeted, “I think she’s nuts right now…” referring to Rihanna. Excuse me, who is letting you tweet on the dining room floor? Run those chicken tenders to table nine instead of throwing shade to Rihanna. Yeah, Rihanna may not seem like the most mentally stable person around. But when RiRi tweets things like, “FUCK U SATAN!!! FUCK RIGHT OFF!!!!!” I think she’s just trying to look out for us. And honestly, I’d rather see a Lucifer v. Rihanna feud on Twitter anyway.
While we’re on the topic of Twitter, I’d like to direct you all to the queen of it, Cher. Now this may be very late news for some of you. But for those who are not aware, Cher rules Twitter with an iron fist. And probably uses said iron fist to tweet because a lot does not make sense. Let me give you some winning excerpts: “Oh!! I’m so tempted to Riff on this Cher’s Dead thing,Cause it makes me Howl! Bye! Going 2 pick out Blk.Leather motorcycle Shroud.” Cher does not like it when her death is falsely reported, especially when it interferes in her motorcycle shrouding. Or, how about this jem? “I think you’re like flowers,snowflakes & clouds ! All different !” Of course, that tweet refers to “Cher’s Kindergarten Encouragements,” which she’s releasing in color book format this summer. Don’t you see yet? Cher is all you ever need. And to end this column in the perfect way, let me quote that fierce bitch one more time: “BYE !!!”
Jessica Simpson Baby Watch!!!: Jessica Simpson’s baby is a Belieber.
(04/16/13 4:00pm)
EVERYONE. Are you still alive? Am I talking to a survivor of the devastating Twitter war between Louis Tomlinson of One Direction and Thomas Parker of The Wanted? I thought I was the only one left. But you’re here. And reading this. Before we repopulate the planet, let us take a look back at what got us to this point.
Thomas Parker was the one who attacked first, launching a preemptive strike at Louis, tweeting, “You even talk about us at your own gigs. Are you that upset you didn’t get into this band?” To which Louis, the sassy motherfucker that he is, responded, “Pal, we both know I wouldn’t waste time auditioning for your band. You humour me with your bad boy persona.” Then Liam Payne of One Direction joined in and that’s when I blacked out and woke up writing this. First off, who does Thomas Parker think he is?!?! The Wanted fighting with One Direction is like Milli Vanilli picking a fight with The Backstreet Boys. Sit your ass down Thomas and behave!
Now that we’ve all been put in our places, let’s discuss how some members of Congress are trying to investigate Beyoncé and Jay-Z’s trip to Cuba. The heavenly pair went to the communist nation to celebrate their fifth wedding anniversary. Forget your Silver 25th, this reads Red fifth all over. The United States has placed a tourism embargo on the island nation for the past 50 years, meaning only people with special permission can take a waltz in Havana. But being Beyoncé, she makes her own damn rules. Who answers to Congress anymore? It’s all about the Beyhive. Nevertheless, an “investigation” is apparently underway and both Beyoncé and Jay-Z have yet to comment. Listen y’all, you’re all a bunch of bay of pigs if you think you’re gonna take down Beyoncé, you hear?
Finally, Lindsay Lohan appeared on David Letterman last week to promote her latest film noir, “Scary Movie 5.” A classic piece of work, I’m sure. Lindsay. though, got visibly uncomfortable when David asked her questions relating to her recent rehab sentencing. Listen Lilo, why did you possibly think you were going to promote a movie? The biggest thing you’ve been in this year is a clinic. Let’s focus on what’s really going on. Lindsay of course reiterated that she “loves working.” Bitch if you love working so much why don’t you do it, it misses you. Of course Lindsay cried (and probably saved her tears since they’re laced with Adderall) and made a big dramatic showing. But until you prove it to us that you’re back by being in a decent film, I don’t want to see your croc tears.
Jessica Simpson Baby Watch!: Jessica Simpson has now developed her own gravitational pull.
(04/09/13 4:00pm)
I’m going to be frank with all of you. The first CD I ever purchased was the debut album of the “Baha Men.” I thought a gang of Jamaican men singing about dogs would finally elevate me to cool status in elementary school. (It didn’t.) Anyway, I have a point to all this. The love of my life/cracked pistachio nut that is Britney Spears has run into a slight problem. No, not a wall! She’s good in that department. Unfortunately, it’s about her dog. No, K-Fed is fine. It’s about her canine companion. If you haven’t been following Britney lately (which why would you, following her would be a slow-ass crawl), but the Pop Princess herself recently got a dog and named it Hannah Spears. Awwww! Why anyone would trust Britney to take care of something that sleeps and poops as much as her is absolutely beyond me. But I’m not here to judge. I’m here to be a good Samaritan.
You see, Britney is sad to report that Hannah Spears is MISSING. A rep for the singer said, “Hannah means the world to Britney. If we can get the word out hopefully she’ll turn up healthy and safe.” HURRY, PUT HER PICTURE UP ON EVERY CHEETO BAG IN THE L.A. AREA. Britney, who was in Louisiana celebrating Easter/probably hunting the Easter Bunny, cut her trip short to go back home to join the search. So please, if you can, keep a lookout for Hannah Spears. Britney has already lost her hair and mind. Do not add a dog to the list. I don’t know about you, but I think Mandy Moore is responsible. Where has that bitch been? I demand answers!
In other animal news, Justin Bieber’s monkey was confiscated in Germany. What sounds like an awful Mad Lib is actually true. The singer’s hairy friend was confiscated at a German airport after Bieber failed to present the proper papers. How immature. Justin, if you want to be taken as a serious artist, you need to carry your monkey papers with you at all times! You never see Justin Timberlake have this problem, geez. Whether Bieber will get the monkey back is unknown, but hey Germany, I know a certain Pop Princess who is in need of some company…
Keeping with this week’s apparent animal theme, new details have emerged about Lindsay Lohan’s impoundment, I mean, her rehab lockdown. Apparently, Lindsay only agreed to do 90 days of rehab if she was allowed to take her stash of Adderall with her because of her apparent “ADHD diagnosis.” Guess what. The court agreed! So Lindsay is going to rehab to take as many drugs as she wants. Are you sure she was at court and not at a SANDALS travel agency? This does not sound very kosher to me! Isn’t the point of rehab to be totally substance free? She shouldn’t even have glue around her. You might as well lock her up in the back of a CVS pharmacy if this is the case.
Jessica Simpson Baby Watch!: Jessica has released a statement declaring, “Nobody will ever confiscate my baby.”
(04/02/13 4:00pm)
Amanda, PLEASE … calm down. The former Nickelodeon star, Amanda Bynes, has decided to take on her most challenging role yet: A meltdown. The actress/Twitter abuser has taken the social media world by storm after she began acting erratically following her hit-and-run charge. Bynes has especially taken a likening to Twitter, tweeting such infamous quotes such as “I want @drake to murder my vagina.”
Bitch, if you want to be on “Law & Order: SVU,” this ain’t the way to go. Actually, now that I think of it, I think Justin Bieber got on it by tweeting the same thing. But that’s beside the point. That’s still a tall order, Ms. Bynes. Drake is a busy man. He has tours to perform, music to write. Vagina murdering cannot go on his schedule until at least 2014, if that. And besides, Drake is not the murdering type. He’s more of a monologue kind of guy. What other insane stunts Amanda Bynes will pull is anybody’s guess, but I’m betting she’s going to be doing more than just dancing with lobsters by next week.
In other news, the famous Duggar family of child farming fame is thinking about having more children. Thankfully, they’re not talking about having kids the traditional way because I’m pretty sure her uterus has checked out. Instead, Ms. Baby Factory is thinking of adopting.
Now, hold on a minute. You have 19 children already. Shouldn’t you focus on remembering Child 17’s name before you add another? Can someone please give the Duggars a beanie baby or something if they’re so intent on collecting things? An adopted child wants to join a loving family, not a traveling circus. They’re trying to escape conditions where they’re surrounded by hundreds of kids. Shoving them into a situation where the number has dwindled down to only 19 kids does not do much help. But alas, Mrs. Duggar is “praying” to God about whether or not she should go forward with the thought. Meanwhile, I’m praying to God adoption agencies are screening for the Duggars’ number.
And finally, Demi Lovato will join the sinking ship that is X-Factor once again next season. Gurl, you’re lucky Britney has moved out of the spotlight (with her own two legs) so you can finally hear the one person chanting your name.
Now, I’m not at all bashing Demi. She is a talented singer/actress/whatever it is she does. But let’s face it. Britney was the star of last season’s run. But of course, Britney had to leave to work on her upcoming album and to get over the break-up with her fiancé and more importantly, the Kit-Kat bar she accidentally sat on.
Jessica Simpson Baby Watch!: Jessica Simpson does not want @drake anywhere near her, well, you know.
(03/26/13 4:00pm)
Not a day goes by when I’m not covered in glitter. So I’m glad Lindsay Lohan was able to experience the glow. The troubled star/tired drug mule hobbled into court last week to negotiate a sentence relating to her car crash incident last year when she forgot a highway was for driving and not bumper cars. Of course, being Lindsay Lohan, she showed up 45 minutes late. Like, is she on time for anything? If Lindsay ever got pregnant, I swear she would show up late to the birth and her child would be like, “Where the hell have you been?” Why is it so hard to be prompt? All you have to do is survive the night and get up the next day. Anyway, as Lindsay was entering the court, someone glitter bombed her, which, for all you glitter novices, means someone threw a bag full of glitter over her head. Listen honey, that’s the closest you’ll get to gold so RELISH IT. Think of it as a pulverized Oscar. Once inside, Lindsay negotiated a settlement with the case, agreeing to go to 90 days of rehab. Stay tuned for “Around the Rehab in 90 Days” starring Lindsay Lohan, coming to court documents near you this summer.
In diva news, Beyoncé has a new song! Literally drop this newspaper right now and go listen to it. I’ll wait here.
Ok, you’re back. WAS IT NOT AMAZING??? It has just the right amount of funk and spice which is what I love in classic Beyoncé. The song as you now know is called “Bow Down/Been On Me.” People, this is not just a song. This is a coup. Things are changing around here! Beyoncé is now our new overlord so please give up Michelle Williams’s location immediately. Queen B needs a leg rest.
Speaking of resting, Ryan Gosling has decided he is taking a “break” from acting. Gosling stated, “I’ve been doing it too much. I’ve lost perspective on what I’m doing. I think it’s good for me to take a break and reassess why I’m doing it and how I’m doing it. And I think this is probably a good way to learn about that. I need a break from myself as much as I imagine the audience does.” STOP EVERYTHING. Who in the goddamn world told Ryan Gosling we need a break from him. I didn’t. Did you? You did, didn’t you? And you did this to me after I told you about Beyoncé’s new song? How dare you?!?!
Ok, let’s all calm down. This has to be some sort of misunderstanding. Ryan, please, come over here and sit down with me for a second. The only thing you need a break from is that oppressive shirt. Free yourself and all will be right with the world.
Jessica Simpson Baby Watch!: Jessica is releasing a new remix of her hit single, “With You.” Here’s a snippet: “With nothing but a mumu on/I’ve never felt so bowling ball/baby as I do now.”
(03/19/13 4:00pm)
What’s red, black and ass all over? Kim Kardashian, sillies! One of Kim’s elusive beauty secrets has finally been revealed! Turns out, she loves injecting blood into her face! No, you read that right. KIM KARDASHIAN IS A FUCKING GHOUL.
From Wikipedia: “The Vampire Facelift is the trademarked name for a non-surgical cosmetic procedure involving the reinjection of a gel-like substance — platelet rich fibrin matrix (PRFM) — derived from a patient’s own blood back into multiple areas of the skin of their face in an effort to treat wrinkles and ‘rejuvenate’ the face.”
Ohhhh, well when you put it that way … IT’S NUTS. Gurl, go buy some Olay, not Type A! The entire procedure costs $1,000. What are you doing? This just goes to show that the beauty industry has lost its goddamn mind. What happened to appreciating the natural woman? For shame, witch lady.
Speaking of witch, witchever (yes I mean that) teenage witch put a curse on Justin Bieber, stop it! Give the boy a break! First he has an awful birthday, he passes out, has a Twitter feud, cancels one of his shows AND NOW HIS HAMSTER DIED. What’s next? Is his Capri Sun going to explode?
First off, who let Bieber have a hamster? Can’t we start him off with a Tamagotchi? A hamster is a lot of responsibility. That’s why he broke up with Selena! It was too much.
Word of advice, Justin: DO NOT BURY YOUR HAMSTER IN THE PET CEMETARY. Once it’s dead, it should stay dead. Think of your hamster like Jewel. Nobody wants her to come back.
And just like Bieber’s hamster, Liam Hemsworth and Miley Cyrus are no more! Apparently, the two have called off their engagement and called it quits. A source leaking to the New York Post claimed that Miley was too much of a party girl and Liam couldn’t deal with it anymore. Well, that and maybe he finally discovered that Miley was really just a cockatoo in disguise. Either way, Liam is back in Australia and Miley is probably sobbing in an Outback Steakhouse.
But someone whose whereabouts you usually don’t hear much about is Dennis Rodman. The former basketball star and current basket case star is jetting around the world and ending up at places he doesn’t belong. Like, for example, the dude was in North Korea chatting
it up with dictator Kim Jong-un. After the trip, Rodman said he was his “friend.” Bitch, he ain’t your friend! A friend doesn’t let his other friend starve millons of people to death. Rodman continued his Around the World in Crazy Days tour when he ended up in Rome during the picking of the next pope, where he offered his prediction of who the next pope would be. EXCUSE ME DENNIS RODMAN WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WHO IS LISTENING TO YOU WHO ARE YOU.
Listen, this has been a difficult week and I need to go plan a hamster funeral so if you would excuse me, I’m going to have to leave you with all this bullshit. Baiiiii!!!
Jessica Simpson Baby Watch!: Jessica turned down an offer to be pope as she has enough on her plate and placenta.
(03/05/13 5:00pm)
In case you accidentally did something fun last week, you missed the 85th Academy Awards AKA the Oscars AKA The Annual Rich People Drinking Together Social.
The event this time around was hosted by Seth MacFarlane, who surprisingly was not accompanied by an animated talking animal for once. The entire time I felt like I was watching a mediocre episode of “Family Guy” and kept waiting to see MacFarlane comically crash into a closet and crumple on the floor.
A quick rundown of the highlights! Anne Hathaway decided nipples were an accessory and showed them off on the Red Carpet, Adele reminded us that she is a winner and you’re a loser, and Jennifer Lawrence fell on stage while accepting the award for Best Actress. She volunteered as tribute and TRIPute! I will show myself out of this column for writing that pun.
A quick scandal erupted during Oscar night when the popular satire publication, The Onion, tweeted about the nine-year-old Best Actress nominee Quvenzhane Wallis, calling her the “c-word.” The full text of the tweet read, “Everyone else seems afraid to say it, but that Quvenzhane Wallis is kind of a (c-word), right?”
WHOA NOW. That is not what the “c” in Hi-C stands for! The only “c-word” Quevenzhane should be called is “child.” The Onion has since retracted the tweet and published a full-length apology. Now, I probably have the best sense of humor around, but there is no excuse for degrading a little girl in this manner. Funny is telling Kristen Stewart that the only thing she aced this year is her foot bandage. Not sexualizing an innocent girl.
And in a really “meta” piece of news, the gossiping blogger has become the gossiped. Perez Hilton is now a father. The Internet sensation announced the news that he is now the dad to a baby boy, without disclosing any other details. I can’t wait until the little boy takes his first steps, says his first words, and makes his first crudely drawn jizz picture. Like father, like blogger.
And to top it all off, Nicki Minaj is claiming that she has never had any surgery on her face. And I quote, “I’ve never had surgery on my face. They’ll see contour and they’ll think you had surgery on your nose. No, no, no, look at RuPaul’s Drag Race and you’ll see how you can make your nose look any shape you want. When people see my makeup, they think all types of crazy things that I’m doing to my skin, but it’s makeup.”
Who in the hell are you trying to trick? You have more plastic in your face than a Tupperware container. Listen Nicki, there is nothing wrong with getting some cosmetic work done. It’s the only good work you’ve ever done.
Jessica Simpson Baby Watch!: Jessica has started charging her unborn child rent.
(02/26/13 5:00pm)
Does Britney Spears have a new man? That’s what the latest reports are seeming to suggest. The unbalanced pop star was rumored to have been out with a new guy on Valentine’s Day. Apparently, a source revealed that they were set up by mutual friends.
Wait, hold on a minute. Cheetos don’t talk. Who are Britney’s friends??? I demand an inquiry! Listen, let’s not jump to conclusions. For all we know, this “boyfriend” is really just a man Brit hired to carry an extra Frappuccino around in case of emergencies. A girl has gotta have her whip ready.
In some macabre news, Nicholas Cage has purchased a pyramid to be buried in a New Orleans cemetery. Hm, strange. I always thought he was a trapezoid kind of guy, but hey! Cage wishes everyone to leave their favorite film of his at his gravesite. So hurry up and snatch all the copies of “The Wicker Man” you can get!
As you’re at Target filling up your cart with Nicholas Cage novelties, prepare to buy some baby clothes! Fergie is pregnant everyone! HEY MAMMA. Now are we sure it isn’t just Taboo hiding up there? But apparently it’s true. Fergie and her husband Josh Duhamel are expecting their first child together. Fergie’s due date is expected to be less than the usual nine months because as soon as the baby hears The Black Eyed Peas it’s peacing on out of there.
Moving on, do you know that old saying, “Don’t let Lindsay Lohan borrow a dress.” Well, let me remind you. “Don’t let Lindsay Lohan borrow a dress.” The former human being was allowed to wear a $1,750 dress to an event. What event? A probation hearing? WHO IS INVITING LINDSAY TO PLACES. Wasn’t she just barred from every high school party last week? Anyway, after she was done giving the dress a swirly, Lindsay returned it in complete tatters. Apparently, she ripped it at a club and “modified” it for repairs. What club? Club Penguin? Didn’t they ban her from the servers last week?
I’d like to do something different this week to close my column: TALKING TO YOU! Yes, my avid readers. If you would like to shoot me a comment (i.e. hate mail) or request a specific story for me to cover, please do not hesitate to ask! E-mail me at alaimoj1@tcnj.edu and if it isn’t sent to the spam folder, I’ll check it out! I do this all for people like you. Because without you, I’d just be a kid talking to himself (which I promised not to do after my senior year of high school). Love you all!
Jessica Simpson Baby Watch: Jessica has challenged Fergie to a belly jousting! Oh my!
(02/19/13 5:00pm)
If you’re like me, which I hope you’re not for the sake of your well-being, you watched the Grammys. The show was opened by Taylor Swift because what hasn’t she opened this year. *Side eyes* Of course, she took the time to diss Harry Styles by saying, “So he calls me up and says I still love you. But I said, I’m sorry, I’m busy opening up the Grammys.” EXCUSE ME. Do you want your head shaved because I’ll be happy to do it for you. Taylor Swift is the root of all evil. She’s obviously trying to tear teenage girls apart as they’ll start choosing sides. Claire’s will be a warzone. The rest of the night was as enjoyable as a dinner with Hannibal Lecter so I will not waste anymore precious paper on it.
But I have no problem using up this space to tell Ke$ha to take a bath. In an interview with BBC Radio 1, the pop singer explained that people often tell her that she smells like a hobo. And I quote, “I smell like a hobo. One time, someone told me I smelt like a shrimp on a diaper. I thought I could make a fragrance that was a little like a shrimp on a Faberge diaper but I don’t know if people want to smell like that.”
Gurl, get your Red-Lobster-platter-with-a-side-of-cheesy-bread ass into a bucket of water! Nobody wants to be around that. Like can this girl get an endorsement deal with Garnier Fructis so she could at least shower when she shoots the commercials? Ke$ha also explained how she once drank her own urine and loves to roll around in baby oil and glitter. Questions? Comments? Concerns? How about all the above.
Let’s take a look at the Twitterverse! Uh-oh, another celebrity twitter fued? Who is it this time? Oh, Justin Bieber. Can this jerk get a child lock on his phone already? The drummer for the band Black Keys, Patrick Carney, was asked what he thought about Justin Bieber whining about how he did not receive a Grammy nomination. Carney responded, “He’s rich, right? Grammys are for, like, music, not for money ... and he’s making a lot of money. He should be happy, I guess.” Justin responded in a tweet, “The black keys drummer should be slapped around haha.”
Haha? Is this a joke to you, boy? You should damn well respect your elders. You don’t need a Grammy award. It would probably be a choking hazard for you anyway. Carney should worry about the Beliebers, though, as they are a force to be reckoned with. The power a 14-year-old girl holds is unrivaled. Proceed with caution!
And just in case you were feeling good about yourself today, know that Angelina Jolie’s daughter, Vivienne, is making $3,000 a week more than you. Yes, that’s 3,000 DOLLARS, not legos. Vivienne has received a role in her momma’s upcoming film, “Maleficent.” By the end of this month, this girl could pay for an entire semester of college. You could obviously tell she is not of the ramen noodle eating variety. Well good for her! Off to a great start. Excuse me while I go sell my blood to pay for a textbook.
Jessica Simpson Baby Watch: Jessica is trying to turn around so make sure you’re not in the danger zone!
(02/12/13 5:00pm)
Hey guys! I actually watched the Super Bowl! No like for real I did. Don’t give me that look. I don’t need yo attitude! GET OUT OF MY FACE GET OUT OF MY FACE.
Anyway, the Super Bowl was held this past Sunday as the San Francisco 49ers (apparently not the name of a punny gay bar) and the Baltimore Ravens faced off in New Orleans. But the real story of the night was BEYONCÉ BEYONCÉ BEYONCÉ.
The superstar diva killed it when she took the stage during the halftime show. She was also nice enough to allow her two biggest fans, Kelly Rowland and Michelle Williams, to join her to perform as Destiny’s Child. When Michelle Williams popped out from the stage, her face screamed confusion and a look of “Wait, this ain’t Hooters!” It’s a known fact that Michelle Williams works at Hooters from noon to 10 p.m. everyday, after which she goes home to the apartment she shares with Tia and Tamara Mowry. She’s trying to get a “Sister, Sister, SISTER” thing going on but Tia and Tamara want nothing to do with it. Anyway, I digress.
Jay-Z did not perform with Beyoncé as rumored — probably because he was too busy nursing little Blue Ivy. Nevertheless, the entire performance was amazing and Madonna (who performed last year’s show) is most definitely FURIOUS and jealous and will seek revenge. As soon as she gets her skin restretched.
Drama though soon followed Beyoncé’s act when the lights in the stadium went out for a half hour. Damn it Michelle, stop singing on the job and fix the lights! (I really don’t hate Michelle Williams as much as you think I do. She makes a great placeholder!)
After the lights were fixed, some guys started throwing a ball around and the Ravens won. Edgar Allen Poe would be proud.
As much as I love talking about pigskin, let’s talk about Justin Timberlake’s new album cover. The album, titled The 20/20 Experience, features Justin Timberlake looking into a phoropter, which is that crazy thing optometrists make you stick your face in. Listen, the album cover could have gone worse. Since it’s called The 20/20 Experience, it could have been Justin Timberlake staring into Barbara Walter’s butt. She has the chicken pox right now, ain’t nobody about that life! The tracklist for the album is as followed: “Pusher Love Girl,” “Suit & Tie,” “Don’t Hold the Wall,” “Strawberry Bubblegum,” “Tunnel Vision,” “Spaceship Coupe,” “That Girl,” “Let the Groove Get In,” “Mirrors” and “Blue Ocean Floor.” Forget that girl Stella, Justin has got his groove back!
Jessica Simpson Pregnancy Watch: The baby kicked and punched her belly button off!
(02/05/13 5:00pm)
I’m a weekly column now! Which means I’m coming to you just as often as heartburn!
In other unfortunate news, Chris Brown has reportedly assaulted Frank Ocean. Ummmm, can Brown be neutered already? Bitch is always in heat and needs to calm down.
Apparently, Brown and Ocean’s crews had an altercation in a parking lot when Brown tried shaking Ocean’s hand and Ocean laughed and refused, which caused Brown to attack. The next day Brown instagrammed a picture of a crucified Jesus with the caption, “Painting the way I feel today. Focus on what matters.”
IS THIS MAN INSANE? First off, you ain’t no Bob Ross so put that damn easel down. Secondly, I’m pretty sure when I eat the body of Christ during Communion, it isn’t your stank ass going in there too. You ain’t Jesus! You ain’t even Prince. People are not “crucifying you” for no reason. You are literally a violent and temperamental individual who needs to take some responsibility for his actions.
That aside, Ocean wants to press charges against Brown, who, mind you, is still on probation for his assault of Rihanna. So this could get serious quick. I’m sure many attempted to reach Rihanna for comment, but she’s probably too busy painting a picture of the Whore of Babylon. You know, “Painting the way I feel today!” If Brown doesn’t get arrested and thrown in jail, he’ll star in the film “Anger Management 2,” in which he punches Adam Sandler for two hours.
While Chris Brown wrestles with the law, Beyoncé was busy making the laws. The superstar singer, who performed at the Superbowl halftime show, reportedly made outrageous demands, including wanting her daughter’s room to be kept at 26 degrees Celsius. I don’t even know what that means!
The reports were heavily disputed and the NFL denied that Beyoncé was being a diva at all. Beyoncé’s public image has taken more bruising than Frank Ocean has in the past week. Regardless, Queen B’s performance was great.
Speaking of divas, Sarah Palin has left her job at Fox News! Glad she knows how to hang on to things. The failed vice-presidential candidate parted ways with the network where she was a contributor. A contributor of what, I have no damn idea. Venison?
Now that Sarah is unemployed, I’m sure she’ll do something worthwhile with her life. Maybe pet a moose. Maybe shoot it. Maybe secure a seat in politics. Maybe secure a seat at IHOP during the breakfast rush. (Do they have those in Alaska?) I don’t know, I don’t run her life. Whatever Sarah Palin may do, hopefully it’s nowhere near where I could see her. Unless it’s a Lenscrafters commercial. Love those specs, gurl!
P.S. Jessica Simpson is still pregnant and probably will be for the remainder of your life. She is literally Joe Swanson’s wife from “Family Guy.”