The Signal

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Sunday December 5th

"Bible Believers” Protest Not As Lit As Last Year

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By Tony Peroni and Vinny Cooper

Last year’s Bible Believers protest brought out some of the College’s most passionate students, counter-protesting the homophobic and misogynistic outcries of the moneygrubbing trolls who were begging to get assaulted and sue someone. But you have to admit, in hindsight, it was pretty lit.

Last year, more than 1,000 students gathered in Alumni Grove, screaming, chanting — all that jazz. It was the talk of the town. If you didn’t go to the Bible Believers protest, you were really missing out on a sight to see.

“I really liked the big sign with all the different names on it” said Danica Pultz, a sophomore accounting major. “My favorite insult on it was ‘Anklebiter.’ What does that mean? I have no clue, but that’s what resonated with me.”

“The best part without a doubt was when the cops showed up and took me away in a headlock because I was antagonizing the Bible Believers!” said Chad Mueller, a junior open options business major, who still lives in Norsworthy because he “likes the atmosphere.”

The event made for a fantastic day on campus. Illegal vendors without business licenses were selling bootleg Tshirts, students were playing relaxing games of cornhole, dads brought their portable charcoal grills and the Zac Brown Band even showed up to perform for the huge crowd.

But alas, this year’s protest left many students underwhelmed. Instead of targeting their usual minorities, the Bible Believers were fed up with a different demographic this year. “Down with gamers!” screeched the short man with the goatee and massive white Oakley sunglasses. “Repent or thee shall burn in eternal hellfire!”

“I really don’t understand where all this hatred is coming from.” said Paul Moccio, a senior interactive multimedia major and president of the Gamers United Society. “I’m a good Christian, I pay my taxes, but why am I doomed to face eternal hell fire? Is it because I like to relax and play games on my $1,700 custom-built PC on the weekends? It just doesn’t make sense to me.”

Gamers, though they were the target of the attention-craving act of hostility, were not the only ones who were disappointed with the protest this year.

Last year’s protest was considered by most students to be the “darty of the year,” which set the bar high for what type of action-packed day the Bible Believers would bring to campus. Anticipating the arrival of the ultra-conservative group, the College decided to prepare for the massive party that the group’s presence normally causes. By utilizing the recently increased tuition, the board of trustees was able to book “The Dirty Heads” to bring the sweet sounds of summer to the massive protest. Officially licensed T-shirts and snapbacks were manufactured in bulk, and the College even had the Sodexo staff grill 2,000 cheeseburgers.

This year’s Bible Believers protest was shaping up to be a Bartstool-tier rager. However, when the goateed, free speech advocate virgins finally arrived, there was nobody to scream at them. Absolutely no students showed up to look at the very offensive signs or the short white men holding them.

“Shit was lame,” said Marley Newton, a freshman biology major.

“I already get harassed by my CA on a daily basis,” said freshman philosophy major Greg Welts. “I don’t need a goateed, Oakley-sporting free speech Bible thumper to tell me that I’m a loser, too,”

DISCLAIMER: This is obviously a satirical piece and does not describe a real event.


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