The Signal

Serving the College since 1885

Wednesday September 27th

Vegans Rejoice : Board votes to ban animal slaughtering on campus

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By Tony Peroni and Vinny Cooper

It’s a problem that we all hear way too much about –– vegans and their lack of dining options on campus. Vegans are constantly complaining about how “they can’t eat the chicken from Eick,” “they had to eat dry Froot Loops for dinner for the fourth time this week” or “it bothers them that the College slaughters farm animals right outside of their dorm rooms.”

This weekend, however, the administration made a decision with the school’s non-animal consumers in mind. The board of directors voted to finally abolish the raising and slaughtering of farm animals on campus. The bloody ritual started on what is called “Roscoe’s Pasture,” when the College was first founded in 1855. It was a regular practice back then –– students needed food to eat, so the campus employed a staff to raise and slaughter animals for their delicious, fresh meat. This was just the way that the typical college operated. Students liked eating meat that originated from the turf that they called home. Today, we live in a technologically advanced world.

Students are no longer worried about where their meat is coming from. Instead, they are worried
about Snapchatting their digital friends and “swiping right” on their dating apps. Instead of lighting up a hand-rolled stogie in the middle of class, students are burying their face into their elbow to sneak a drag of their flash drive smoke sticks.

The times have really changed, but Roscoe’s Pasture still remains. This is the last campus in the country that still actively maintains a pasture to raise and execute animals. While rural South Jersey students consider the bloody pasture to be a beautiful sight for their sore southern eyes, the majority of normal students hate the fact that they cannot walk to class without seeing a large, gorgeous animal being shot directly in the temporal lobe.

“Like, why can’t I just walk to the dining hall to get a sub-par dinner without getting a disgusting reminder of the gorgeous life that I’m about to cover in salt and swallow?” asked freshman accounting major Julia Booch. “It’s just so annoying and weird. The dirty old men who work on the pasture are super careless with their guns, too. One time I was walking to my FSP, and an actual .22 caliber bullet flew into the ground like a few feet away from me. I have friends who go to Stockton and Rowan, and they never have to see this weird stuff on their campuses. I just want to eat the meat, not look the animal in the eye while it bleeds out!”

Complain no more, students! The decision to finally abolish the slaughtering of livestock on campus is the first victory for vegans at the college in a long time (ever). The dining halls will now get their carnivorous treats from the socially accepted source –– a massive corporation’s slaughterhouse where no cameras are ever allowed and cruelty definitely takes place. The campus vegans consider themselves victorious.

DISCLAIMER: This is obviously a satirical piece and does not describe a real event.


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