The Signal

Serving the College since 1885

Wednesday September 27th

The Chip: Satire Column Somehow Manages To Get Renewed For Second Season

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By Tony Peroni and Vinny Cooper

When people think of satire, they usually think of all the greats: The Onion, “The Daily Show,” Fox News. Poking fun at the news has always been a great American pastime, and the writers of The Chip are grateful to have been given the opportunity to put some of the most hair-brained content imaginable in your college newspaper.

There were times throughout The Chip’s first season when the public must have thought, “How do they let them publish this?” or “This column is definitely going to be canceled by the end of the semester!” However, the big-wigs at The Signal’s corporate headquarters in Silicon Valley, California seemed to think otherwise.

A look inside The Chip’s office exhibits appalling living conditions that no man, woman or child should ever have to endure. The entire office was a 10x10 cubicle with no windows and the floor was lined with newspapers from Rider University’s creatively named newspaper, The Rider News. Ranch sunflower seeds littered the entire office space and a pile of mutilated MacBook Pros lied defeated in the corner. Broken down cases of Monster Energy drinks decorate the space as cardboard wallpaper. There is one piece of paper with a very pixelated image of John Belushi printed out on it. This is where the writers live. They live in a nightmare, yet they have been producing content for the students all semester...

“This is the funniest literature I’ve read since before I got into shape and became a very sexy man,” said Chris Pratt, actor in “Guardians of the Galaxy” and avid subscriber to The Chip.

“Eyyyyyyy, haha, I love The Chip” said a man in a leather coat with his hair slicked back.

“Hasta La Vista, The Chip!” said Arnold Schwarzenegger, saying farewell to the greatest satire column on campus until its return in the fall. What started as a small, hard-working group of students with a passion for satire is about to see some big changes for Season 2.

Since, The Chip has taken off in popularity since the beginning of the semester, catching the eye of billionaire investor Warren Buffet.

“These kids ... these kids know how to write satire,” exclaimed an excited and still very rich Buffet. “I’d love to invest in them to further diversify my portfolio!”

To the surprise of many, Buffet did exactly that. The billionaire agreed to invest $1.3 million into The Chip for five percent of the column’s equity. The deal was shocking to anybody who knows anything about finance since The Chip does not make any monetary profit and never will, but the deal has left the writers at The Chip excited for the future.

DISCLAIMER: This is obviously a satirical piece and does not describe a real event


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