The end of October is one of my favorite times of the year. The smells of neighborhood bonfires, crisp red leaves and apple cider fill the air with a familiar aroma of homieness and warmth. Children scatter about in the streets, filled with holiday amusement and pride in their costumes of choice. In my current state of aging youth, there are few things that truly make me feel like a kid.
I can say loud and proud that Halloween is one of my favorite holidays, but what I love even more is the night before … aptly named “Mischief Night” — a night characterized by eggs on houses, shaving cream in mailboxes and, the worst of it all, toilet paper on trees.
I’d usually be an advocate for the New Jersey tradition, but not until I became a victim of this senseless vandalism. One of you rapscallion kids threw toilet paper all over my beautiful weeping willow. Which one of you scumbags defiled my beautiful willow tree?!
Joseph, was it you? Joseph, I have known you since Kindergarten, and you go to school in North Carolina! Why would you drive all the way up to New Jersey, in Ewing specifically, just to defile my beautiful weeping willow? Was it because I said your mom was hot when we were in seventh grade? Joseph, I am sorry, but my weeping willow has been defiled.
What about you, Caleb? Caleb, I know we have had our differences. You voted for Gary Johnson in 2016. I told you that you were a waste of carbon. I know I was being drastic, but I was in a fit of political rage! Caleb do not hold this against me like this! I really hope you did not defile my weeping willow tree! If you did, I’m gonna have to have a long talk with you at your Veteran’s Day barbeque.
Alpha Chi Rho, say it ain't so! Why’d you defile my weeping willow! I have no strong proof or evidence whatsoever, but I have an incredibly strong suspicion that your entire brotherhood was behind the toilet papering of my beautiful tree! What the heck! Guess who is not going to your mixer! Or your date party! Or rush your brotherhood! This guy.
All of these people keep denying that they were the masterminds behind the destruction of my muse! My weeping willow is the light of my life, my existence! I paint my willow in the morn, and read it in the evening! But now? My willow has been defiled, all because one of you funny guys has tried to be funny and say, “hey, who wants to destroy this man’s weeping willow?” Very funny. What are you, Jerry Seinfeld? Alec Baldwin? Disgusting. You make me disgusted.
If any of you (Joseph, Caleb, AXP) come within 100 feet of my property, I will not hesitate to call the appropriate authorities. I worked really hard to maintain this tree. To make it worse, it rained the evening of the incident. Call me Tony “Wet Toilet Paper Hands” Peroni. Bah humbug. Get off my lawn.