The Signal

Serving the College since 1885

Tuesday May 30th

The Chip: Planter’s 'Baby Nut' Wreaks Havoc on Small Arkansas Town

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By Tony Peroni

He’s cute, bite size and a menace to society. Not only is the reincarnate of Mr. Peanut bringing nut lovers of all shapes and sizes together, he is also single handedly destroying a small blue collar community in a suburb of Little Rock, Arkansas. Following the fatal death of the iconic Planters Peanut in January of 2020, this demon hellspawn is the result of uncontrolled consumerism and the glutinous amount of buffalo wings consumed each and every Super Bowl Sunday.

Big Springs, Ark. used to be your run of the mill sleepy little southern town. It was the type of town where everybody used to know each other’s names. A place to make a decent, honest living. You work five days a week and spend your free time with your family. Football is a beloved pastime and the local barbecue is top of the notch. The humid summers would melt into stormy autumns, into mild winters and peaceful springs. But now? Every waking moment is spent in fear of a once beloved brand. Everywhere you go in Big Springs, the spirit of Baby Nut lingers, as if he was watching over your shoulder. 

When did this all even start? Some residents of Big Springs seem to be able to pinpoint the exact moment the lethal legume made its presence known. 

“Well, we were all at McGanigan’s watching the big game...” said local townie, Herb Lee Sweeney, reminiscing that dreaded Super Bowl Sunday “...we were on our third, maybe fourth round of drinks… I’m not quite too sure…. Then… It arrived.”

Mr. Sweeney’s words were timid at first, but his face said it all. 

“We were just watching the TV, laughing at that stupid Baby Nut commercial… when all of a sudden I felt a tap on the shoulder and received a swift hit to the face.” Sweeney removed his Oakley sunglasses to reveal a peanut-shaped black eye. 

“Baby Nut really did a number on my business,” said Maggie McGanigan, a local bar owner. “First, he started beatin’ on my patrons. Next, he started smashing glasses and snapping pool cues over some heads. It took the police half an hour to get a handle on him.” 

Although all seemed well at the end of the day, the people of Big Springs were in bigger peril than they thought when Baby Nut escaped from the custody of Big Springs PD. 

“All video evidence is currently under thorough investigation,” said Big Springs’ Chief of Police, Hugh Walsh. 

Insider sources say that while in custody, Baby Nut escaped out of his detainment through sheer force, like a rabid hyena mixed with a rhinoceros in heat. During this time, Baby Nut put several civil servants in critical condition. 

If you see this lethal legume or have any further information on it’s whereabouts, please, do not hesitate and call 877-535-5666.


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