The Signal

Serving the College since 1885

Saturday June 15th

The Goose: Freshman couple goes to Panera Bread to have an awkward first date

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Valentine's Day. The day of the year where happy couples can send cards in an expression of love designed with the intent to ostracize single people, and the day grandparents all around the world ask their grandchildren why they haven't settled down by the age of 22.

EWING- It all comes down to this date; The Panera Bread.

"Not to be a bitch here, but our 2.5 children's futures are based on this date. IF it's not perfect, we're done." Ridgewood girlfriend, Rachel Y., told journalists.

She continues to talk about how she wants it to be just like the ABC show, "The Bachelorette." "I want, no, I expect, an amazing, stunning and thoughtful date that I'll remember for the rest of my life. Anything less and it's over."

Later on reporters were able to catch up with the future husband, from Paterson, James K.

"Honestly, I just swiped on her 'cause I thought she was kind of cute. She was asking for my birthday and then told me I was a Capri Sun or something. I don't have much money and my mom is nagging at me whenever I buy anything, but she said she was a feminist so like, free meal maybe?"

The Goose crew followed the couple into the Panera Bread and watched from a distance. There was chattering amongst the two birds, a typical date. Until something pierced through the calm air. It was the shout of an employee.

"No bread, no lettuce for the salad." "Only tomatoes at Panera Bread?" a customer replied. Rachel reached for her phone, James reached for his forehead.

Rachel texted "help lol" James said "Why'd you text me that?" and laughed nervously. Rachel said "Oh shit," and fled, red like a Panera bread Tomato.

James Sat alone on Valentine's Day.

Disclaimer: This is obviously a satirical piece and does not reflect a real event.


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