The Signal

Serving the College since 1885

Thursday May 26th

From a Basement: Campus Police save community from car parked without permit

<p>From A Basement is a satirical column written by Miss Misery. This piece describes officer Handy McCuffs&#x27; experience saving the campus from a car parked without a permit <em>(Navya Sinha)</em>.</p>

From A Basement is a satirical column written by Miss Misery. This piece describes officer Handy McCuffs' experience saving the campus from a car parked without a permit (Navya Sinha).

By Miss Misery
Correspondent

Disclaimer: This is a satirical piece and does not reflect a real event.

It was a normal day for officer Handy McCuffs, a longtime officer at the College. Alone in the cool light of Lot 6, he heard only the sound of his dark boots hitting the pavement as he carefully examined the dozens of cars parked. 

“Many people don’t see the value in my work day to day,” McCuffs explained. “It’s criticized as a waste of time and student tuition. I consider my critics fortunate as they don’t have to live the realities of my job.”

Perhaps not every working day for McCuffs is marred by impending peril, but this one cool December day certainly was. See, as he made his usual rounds through the lot, a certain silver Mazda caught his eyes.

“Something told me I had to give this car a closer look,” McCuffs said. “It felt not unlike that moment in a horror movie, when the protagonist can sense that something is off and every one of his bones rattles with fear, yet he must see what lies ahead.”

He walked carefully to the car, cautious of his vulnerability but trying to remain calm. He held his breath as he peered around the side to get a look at the window, where he saw what he was afraid he would: there was no permit sticker on the car. He couldn’t help but to audibly gasp, feeling a tremble of fear rock through his knees and a nervous sweat break on his forehead as he realized the severity of the situation.

McCuffs took a deep breath and remembered how he had agreed to protect and serve the property of the school, remembered that this is what he was trained to do. He took out the paper he kept with him and began the work, sweat trickling down the side of his face as his pen moved frantically, noting every threatening detail about this sinister car. 

Then he placed the ticket on the car. He let out a sigh of relief. The campus was safe.

“It’s moments like those when I remember why the work I do matters,” McCuffs said. “I don’t do it for the rewards. I don’t do it for respect from the students. I do it for the rush of power I get when I screw over a college student paying a ridiculous amount in tuition each semester that funds my paycheck. That’s what this is all about.”

Disclaimer: This is a satirical piece and does not reflect a real event.




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