The Signal

Serving the College since 1885

Wednesday October 5th

SATIRE: Local voter convinced he would get stuff done if he was President

<p><em>(Navya Sinha)</em></p>

(Navya Sinha)

By Ethan Kaiser
Correspondent

Disclaimer: This is a satirical piece and does not reflect a real event.

New Hope, Pa. - Frustrated by what is going on in Washington, D.C., local voter Jason Miller convinced himself that he would have better luck passing President Biden’s agenda than the President himself. Mr. Miller, a Biden voter, is supportive of what the President has advocated for, but thinks Biden is not trying hard enough to pass his agenda. 

“I’ve looked at what Biden’s proposed. I like it, but it’s not passing. Frankly, I’m sure I can do a better job passing the President’s agenda than he can,” Miller said.

When asked to elaborate, Mr. Miller pointed at the results.

“I mean we only have like, what, two bills passed? I think that speaks for itself,” he said. “They always say if you try hard enough you can get anything done. The President simply is not trying enough. He doesn't care about his agenda. I do. No one cares more about the President’s agenda than I do.”

“If I was President, I would lower gas prices by executive order, pass legislation capping inflation at 2% and pass Build Back Better and voting rights,” Miller said when he was asked what he would do differently.

President Biden has attempted to pass the latter two pieces of legislation, but has faced opposition from Sen. Joe Manchin, D-W.Va., and Sen. Kyrsten Sinema, D-Ariz.. 

“When it comes to those senators, well I’d whip like you’re supposed to,” Miller said. “I’d call them into my office, tell them to vote for the bill and if they don’t I’ll take my whip and make sure they do. After all, that is what whipping your caucus means, right?”

Mr. Miller believes he is more than qualified to assume the office of President of the United States, saying he’s skimmed the Constitution at least twice, and has the first half of the “I’m Just a Bill” song from SchoolHouse Rock memorized.

Disclaimer: This is a satirical piece and does not reflect a real event.




Comments

This Week's Issue

Issuu Preview