By AJ Mun
Staff Writer
Okay let’s be real for a second. Most people have seen “Heartstopper” or “Heated Rivalry,” and its all fun and games when cute boys are on your screen making out but do many non-gays really understand the depths of what growing up gay or discovering your sexuality is really like? Let’s take a peek into the lives of LGBTQIA+ members' childhoods for just a sec, well at least mine.
To get one thing out of the way first, being gay or queer is not a choice. Try as some might, your brain is wired however it is wired and you don’t get to choose where your heart lies. That being said, I, as many others have as well, tried to hide my sexuality for years.
Being a theater kid who always enjoyed the softer things in life, my attempts only went so far before the prejudice of my classmates’ parents had seeped into their elementary mindsets and realized that I was different from the others. Denial after denial, I had stood ten middle school toes down on the fact that I was not gay, I was like everyone else.
I couldn’t be gay. I liked Disney princesses because I wanted to be the prince. I walked around in my moms heels to be taller like other guys. I loved muscles because I wanted to be a body builder. Girl, whatever you need to tell yourself to sleep in your bunkbed. All of those things could’ve been true, just not for me.
Fast forward years and years to the age of 16 when I finally came out as bisexual. After years of making myself physically sick with religious guilt, I had finally started to work up the courage to begin telling my friends and eventually my family. It all happened so quick and it felt like one night I went to bed straight, and woke up with the rainbow floodgates waterboarding me.
As I’m sure many other members of the community have dealt with, my parents didn’t take to the drastic change quite as easily as I had hoped. Looking back now I understand that my parents were concerned about my safety and happiness as we live in a cruel world where no one is really free of judgement, but it didn’t feel like that back then and some kids aren’t as lucky as I am with my parents.
To fight with loved ones about who you are is a hard thing to conquer — a fight I had felt like losing many times, but sought, through the arguments, a future where I felt at ease in my own skin.
Then add on the outside world that’s filled with prejudice and hate and you’ve got yourself an obstacle course of teenage years in front of you. They say that the toughest battles go to the strongest warriors but what happens when you don't want to be a warrior at all?
Queer people didn’t ask to be loved in secret, forced to mature at a young age, or feel the need to fight for their survival. Growing up, I hated that reality, but looking back more than five years later, I think it is such a beautiful thing to come into oneself. To get to know yourself and experience a new chapter of your life is a wonderful thing. It’s like Peter Pan getting to know his shadow, something that’s always been there but you never took the time to really pay attention to.
While some could argue that everyone has that experience, being queer is like reading the same line in a different language, it means the same thing but maybe not as exact as it may seem. It is my opinion that being gay is an ongoing discovery for most. Watching televised and scripted young love, knowing you missed out on those experiences can easily make you feel like life has passed you by.
While it’s easy to sit in that pain and jealousy, I try to view it as a positive experience. When you desire love for as long as we have, it makes it all the more beautiful and satisfying happy endings to our fairy tales.
To grow up gay is to hold your younger self's hands and say “It’ll all be okay because we’re together now.” It’s bumps in the road and detours but the destination is so beautiful and I wouldn’t change it for the world.
No matter wherever you are in your journey, no journey is without its tribulations, but all it takes to find the beautiful things in life is a close enough eye.
